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No, I don’t want to sublet your crummy house

Your apartment isn’t that great. I’m going to be blunt. Wherever you’re staying once you move off campus is probably kind of crappy. Strike that, it’s not probably crappy. It’s definitely crappy.

Never once have I walked into an off-campus house and not thought, “Wow, this could cave in on me at any second.” It seems like every off-campus apartment or house, I look at the exterior and think, “Wow, this couldn’t be worse inside, could it?” But it almost always is. Nobody wants to sublet the closest thing to a residential warzone. There is rotting wood in your apartment that makes the floor, walls and ceiling of your house so damp that bats would need a dehumidifier to live there.

You can post on Facebook all you want, but be forewarned, there’s a very high chance that nobody cares about you or your apartment. Well, they might care, but they aren’t willing to put up $750 a month for it.

The whole process of finding subletters makes no sense. You offer — in a Facebook group — to let strangers live on one floor of a house. First off, if I posted pictures of my house and put them on Facebook asking, “Hey, who wants to live here?” I would certainly be thrown in jail for at least forever. Second, these random people solicited in your class Facebook group could be murderers — or worse, clowns. Or, even worse, they put the toilet paper on the holder the wrong way. They’re the worst people. Don’t settle for those people.

It seems like everybody needs a subletter. Here’s an idea: Offer the title of prom queen to any takers I guarantee you, if you let the community know that you’re looking to sublet, you can negotiate yourself into any house with as much refrigerator space as you want for a fraction of the cost than if you had the willpower not to sign a lease the instant you went on a house tour with a dude named Ryan.

Rent is expensive, and it usually doesn’t include any of the utilities like water or heat. You’re on your own for that one. Because that’s not important enough to throw in there with the package of four walls and a splintery floor.

You’re paying way too much for a house riddled with problems. Pipes bursting in the basement, floors breaking, broken windows with glass on the floor for weeks — true story — are not worth it. Nobody wants to sublet glass on the floor.

Finally, not only does nobody want to sublet your crappy apartment, nobody wants to sublet your crappy apartment in the summer. Nobody is here during the summer, and if they are, they aren’t silently watching your class Facebook group in hopes someone will offer them an overpriced place to live without air conditioning for two months. Nobody wants to live in your hot, far apartment for $12,000 a month or whatever you’re asking.

So, stop posting stock images of apartments on Facebook. Stop messaging people. Stop acting like this is an opportunity of a lifetime. Stop coercing people to sublet your crappy apartment. We’re supposed to be going to college, but this whole scheme is turning into trying to sell time shares. Nobody ever wants a timeshare, and they especially don’t want it in your sh*tty apartment. Shut up and go back to asking if anybody has found your jacket at DJ’s on the Hill.

Josh Feinblatt is a sophomore television, radio and film major. He’s wondering if you want to sublet a spot in hell. He can be reached by email jfeinbla@syr.edu and on Twitter @joshfeinblatt, but not if you’re trying to get him to sublet your house.

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