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Many celebrated the time-honored Syracuse tradition of attending Juice Jam on Sunday, an extravaganza of music and fun! Or at least, this is what I’ve heard. Personally, I chose not to go. This is due to a personal preference of saving $25 as opposed to listening to just ok music and getting jostled around by sweaty strangers, but no hate to you if that’s your thing!

It’s just that Juice Jam is so loud. It’s filled with people screaming, which, don’t get me wrong, can be fun sometimes. It’s just not my first choice for a concert setting. The Juice Jam lineup really only represents some of the Syracuse demographic, if you really think about it.

I want a Juice Jam that’s targeted at sad people. A show, not with musicians that get people’s blood flowing and asses shaking, but a show that makes you cry so hard you start dry heaving. Their music should send a strong existential dread through your veins.

Naturally, I had to think of the saddest artists I could find. The best of the best of sad music, what I listened to on the bus in high school in my edgy, “don’t talk to me” phase. I tried to contact Billie Eilish’s agents, but apparently she’s too good for us.

Our first performer? A Radiohead cover band (the actual Radiohead was busy). They open with “No Surprises,” then continue to play the song over and over, nine times in a row, until the entire audience is catatonic (and also a little disappointed they didn’t play “Creep”).

Next up, I would like to bring in Noah Kahan. He just did a show at the amphitheater, so I think he’d be perfectly happy to play the same songs at a much worse venue. It would be great. He would play a few songs off his heart-wrenching album, “Stick Season,” and we would all hold back tears thinking about how we don’t call our moms enough.

Surprise artist! Mitski comes to promote her new album. Everyone is in awe. Some people leave, knowing they won’t be able to handle it emotionally. She plays a few songs from her recently released album, and someone in the back throws up in pure grief. Another texts their therapist, “can I double up on appointments this week?”

Gasp! Phoebe Bridgers joins Mitski onstage to play the saddest piece of music you’ve ever heard in your LIFE. The song is a metaphor for generational trauma told through a puppy dying from sadness. The audience goes absolutely crazy with the sobs of sad students echoing throughout South Campus. We’re forced to evacuate Skytop.

If anyone from University Union is reading this: I’m begging. We can work together and make next year’s Juice Jam one to remember. Let’s flood Skytop with tears.

Published on September 24, 2023 at 10:10 pm

Contact Sarah: [email protected]