Mom, if you’re reading this, first I want to say that I’m sorry I keep writing about you. This marks my second article in a row — my many loyal followers must be sick of it!

Next, I would like to stress the fact that I am in a deeper time of crisis than you, and therefore require all of your love and attention.

We hear about adults going through midlife crises, and everyone makes a huge deal out of them. However, the college students who are experiencing their midsemester crises are ignored.

I say no more! I’m calling out to you, world: Pay attention to me and my peers! Shower us with gifts and compliments!

I want — nay — I demand calls from each of my relatives containing a sympathetic “how are you” and at least six of those cards in the mail that make a sassy yet chuckle-worthy joke about this stressful time I find myself in.

You see, midsemester crises are more serious than people may think. In the middle of their semesters, college students must deal with what seems like countless exams and papers while fighting off a sinus infection and life-threatening lack of sleep.

Therefore, due to their stress, stuffy noses and exhaustion, students will experience several different stages of emotion in the middle of their semesters. One may say that they are similar to the stages experienced during a “midlife crisis” — yeah, I put quotations around the words midlife crisis. Take that as you will.

That being said, let’s take a look at the stages of a midsemester crisis you may find yourself experiencing:

Stage 1: Drunken Denial

When students realize that it is in fact the middle of the semester, their first reaction will probably sound something like, “Oh my God no, it’s not, stop.” The reason why you’ll likely react this way is because it’s around this time when the excitement of being back at ‘Cuse after a longer break is dying down, and you begin to realize that grades have actually been counting this entire time. You’ll usually realize all of this while intoxicated and will most likely try to stay that way to help forget.

Stage 2: Angry Orange

Once you stop denying the accuracy of the modern calendar, you’ll most likely experience anger directed at a variety of things.

First, you’ll be angry at yourself for not trying as hard as you should have in the first half of the semester. Then, you may start getting irrational. Some students will take their anger out on their friends or their roommates. In extreme cases, some may even transform into the Angry Orange himself — picture the transformation the Hulk goes through, but instead of turning into the Hulk you turn into a mad piece of citrus fruit named Otto.

If you do begin experiencing this, I recommend you quarantine yourself in an empty South Campus apartment for a good 48 hours to not physically harm anyone.

Stage 3: Replay (like the Iyaz song)

Once your anger has died down you’ll begin looking back at the semester, wondering where you went wrong. Then, you may begin to go back even further — thus beginning to question every choice you’ve ever made to get to where you are.

Said questions may include:
“Why did I choose this major?”
“What is my professor’s name, and shouldn’t I know this by now?”
“Why am I even going to college? I could just live off the land.”
“What ever happened to Iyaz? I miss his sweet melodious voice.”

Stage 4: Depression (this one’s really just sad)

Once you’re done looking back on life, you reach this stage, where you’ll be very rudely awakened by reality: You need to get your sh*t together. This means no more going out on Tuesdays, no more skipping class and no more not doing the reading.

As a result, you will most likely be saddened by the fact that you may not get to have quite as much fun as you did during the first half of the semester. You could try making up study games — but seeing how long you can go without looking away from your textbook will most likely just make you sadder.

Stage 5: Acceptance

In the end, you’ll learn that you’re just going to have to accept where you’re at. In doing so, you’ll be faced with a choice: You can either accept the fact that you’re going to have to work really hard for the rest of the semester to improve your grades, or you can just accept that you may not do too hot this semester.

If you choose the latter, I advise you to just keep doing what you’re doing. For it was Iyaz that once said to “na na na na every day.” I recommend you listen to him, and go “na na na na” each and every day for the rest of your college careers. And look forward to your future midlife crisis — it’ll be way easier than this.

Annabeth Grace Mann is a sophomore film major. Her column appears biweekly. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on March 21, 2018 at 9:05 pm