Thanksgiving is over. Whether you celebrated in the traditional way, with turkey and mashed potatoes, or with friends, huddling up on campus to survive the week or — like my family — by going out to a diner, everything tastes better than the disgusting excuse for edible dining hall food you have been sustaining yourself with for months.

Those who went home for the week were quickly reminded why we went away to school in the first place — especially since most of the friends we have at home are likely still at school. Those who spent the week in Syracuse are still recovering from the spare-no-one bully that is the lake effect snowstorm, which puts all of us in the position for retail therapy, even though it certainly puts none of our bank accounts in the position where it is acceptable.

I myself impulse-bought two watches and two pairs of leggings this week, even though I don’t wear watches or leggings. I saw the sale and could envision a world in which some version of me would wear them. In that same world, I probably don’t cry every time I pay utilities and seriously consider a career of crime every time I pay rent. Because these qualifications have proven me to be so incredibly fiscally responsible, I have decided to share my knowledge with all of you for Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

Treat yo’self

The call of our generation came from a pretty irresponsible character on an NBC comedy, which also almost entirely composed of irresponsible characters. Yet, that doesn’t make it any less true. We work hard. Today, for instance, I slept through my alarm and handed in my article late. But I handed it in. It’s really tiring work fulfilling the obligations you signed up to do to an even passing standard. Treat yourself — you deserve it.

Go big

You can buy pants any day of the year. What have you always wanted? An expensive car? A star named after you? A cardboard cutout of Jerry Seinfeld? Do it. It will never be cheaper to live a life of excess. You will always not need these things. But now is the day that you can get them at a price you will hate yourself least for.

Money is just a number

People will try to convince you that money is more than just a number. These people are probably weighed down by bills and payments and the paperwork of being an adult, which you won’t have to worry about for at least one month if you graduate in December or even three years if you are still a freshman. Either way, it’s not your problem yet.

Now, you can clearly see reading this article on The Daily Orange’s website is much more user-friendly and inviting than an intimidating, pre-formatted budget on Microsoft Excel. Whether you shop online or in person — which I don’t know why you would this unless you really hate yourself and really love standing in claustrophobic lines — if you follow these tips, you will have a great Black Friday. You’ll also probably have a really awful few months/years recovering once you realize that you followed a humor column for financial advice — as if she wasn’t going to be broke for the next 10 years anyway, trying to pursue a career in comedy writing.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. Her greatest impulse buys this year include a two-foot long Danny DeVito cutout that she hid in her roommate’s bed and a Hawaiian shirt with different types of sushi rolls on it. Needless to say, only so much of this column was a bit. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or reach her at [email protected]. 

Published on November 25, 2016 at 12:43 pm