Dear Hiring Manager I Stalked On LinkedIn,

I am writing to you in regards to your internship/job at Name-Brand Company That I Have Naively Convinced Myself Is Super Achievable.

I’ve spent the last three years going to classes that really didn’t prepare me for anything. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even go to those classes as often as I should have, but from what I’ve gathered it wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe I took one course that taught me a genuine skill but I was so overwhelmed by my other courses that I really didn’t learn the skill in any memorable way and still have to use Google if I am ever called upon to do said skill.

I am extremely qualified for this position because I have a guilty conscience and will feel really bad if I disappoint you because I tie my self-worth as a human being to the approval of others. But also I’m a perfectionist so I will never feel good about anything I deliver to you and I’m a narcissist as well so you will also have to constantly praise me.

Outside of the classroom I really thrive. I hide the majority of my extracurriculars that I really excel at from my Facebook timeline. However, the pre-approved extracurriculars I want you to know about, as you can see highlighted on my resume, have taught me a lot of skills. No, I still don’t perform these skills to any degree that I’m proud of. I could blame the perfectionism again, but honestly, it’s because I’m just not very good at anything.

The only work and internship experience I have are irrelevant to this position. I worked in food service and had an unpaid internship where I was too nervous to speak to any of the employees for months so I was never assigned a task. I think they all just thought I was someone’s offspring whose calendar was stuck on “Bring Your Kid To Work Day” in a bizarre interpretation of “Groundhog Day.”

This is where I try to convince you that my unrelated experience is vital for your organization by just tying it all back to skills — have I mentioned skills yet? I have soft skills, hard skills, red skills, blue skills.

I bet you’re wondering why I want this company in particular — me too. Rest assured, I want you just as much as the 37 other companies and positions I am applying for. Because at the end of the day I have no idea what I want to do in life. I keep building up a resume but I’m not really sure why. But when I sit down and think about that, I realize that following your dreams means you can’t post a humble Facebook status about receiving an internship, and having achievements I value seems way less satisfying than getting 200+ likes.

I’m a perfect fit for the position because I have no spine and can fit gelatinously into any position you have. If I don’t hear back from you, I won’t follow up because I’m intimidated by professionalism, entirely unsure what’s appropriate and afraid to ask anyone who would know.

I would love to sweet talk you more and talk about my “qualifications” further. You can call or email me literally anytime. Please.

Best,

A Floundering, Vulnerable, Stupid College Student

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She had to Google “how to write a cover letter” to even write this piece, which should tell you enough. To hire her, you can follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune  or reach her at [email protected]. 

Published on October 12, 2016 at 8:09 pm