Are you a millennial? Do you do the “Instagram?” Does every moment of recreation in your life need to be documented so people think you’re quirky and fun? I have good news for you: every fall season, an obsession over an orange fruit commonly referred to as the “pumpkin” captivates our nation.

It becomes our coffee. It becomes our pies. It becomes our mom’s artisanal stoop decoration. October is in full swing, and men and women everywhere are taking advantage of this fruit favoritism by posting pictures of them at pumpkin patches. Guess what? They all look sexy. Everyone is better looking than you. That is, until you have a pumpkin patch picture of your own.

Luckily for you, I’ve come up with a list of dope pumpkin poses that will stand out amongst the rest. You’ll seem so hot, you’ll be raking in the likes just like you rake up the leaves. You’re welcome.

The Hamlet 
With your arm outstretched, stare deeply into the orange, fleshy skin of your chosen pumpkin and recite a dramatic Shakespearean monologue: Alas, poor gourd, for I knew him as a friend.
The Baby 
Find a baby. Put baby next to pumpkin. Take picture. That’s it. They’re cute. You’re set. If resources fall short, baby can be replaced with dog.

The Jack-O-Lantern 
Change your name to Jack and carry a lantern.

The Couples Shot 
Pick your pumpkin up at her patch. Take her out to a nice dinner. Ask her about her hopes and dreams. Walk around for awhile. Look at the stars. Take your first, cute, awkward selfie. Kiss. Ignore onlookers: Love is love. And she’s your lil’ punkin.

The Mom Shot 
Give birth to a pumpkin.

The Headless Horseman 
Buy an eighteenth century military jacket. Hold pumpkin under your arm like when you’re trying to bring all your groceries inside in one trip. Domesticate a wild horse. Decapitate yourself. Gallop off into the distance. Look badass. Die.

The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown 
Just a time lapse of you waiting for nothing for hours. Might look cool if you play the trombone.

The Wrong Thing 
Picture taken at an apple orchard. Still common, but SO last month.

The Monster Mash 
Show zero respect for pumpkins and obliterate every one within a thirty-foot radius with a sledgehammer into a goopy mess. Bonus points if you “boomerang” it.

The Clown 
Dress the pumpkin up in makeup and a red nose, give it a weapon and see how long it takes before it gets arrested. Insta the Mugshot.

I promise that using any of these brilliant poses as your pumpkin patch picture post will make you one of the popular people. But act quickly, it won’t be long before our pumpkin pals are left behind and your Instagram feed will become Ken Bone Halloween costumes.

Ian McCourt is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly in Pulp. You can follow him on twitter @OrderInMcCourt or reach him at [email protected]. 

Published on October 17, 2016 at 9:50 pm