What to be for Halloween when you realize you don’t have a costume
It’s Oct. 26, or somewhere there about — time, what a concept. Midterms just blew your mind. You’ve only eaten stale fruit loops and waffles for 12 days straight. In a sugar fever, you realize: hot diggity dog, you don’t have a Halloween costume. Luckily, I’m here for you and prepared for a situation like this. And you will owe me a favor. And I will never forget that. But for now, bask in my brilliant creative mind and plagiarize my costume ideas please.
A Cat/A Bunny
Show your friends that you know how to think creatively: buy some ears at your local party store, draw on some whiskers, and then bark because you don’t know who you are anymore.
What you’ll need: fake ears, face-paint, and a collar so you can be picked out of a crowd.
A Sea Urchin
Because you want to be unique, yet not let anyone tell you how unique you are: they just know because they can’t get within a 4-foot radius of you.
What you’ll need: PVC Pipe, needles, a dope playlist to listen to in the corner.
Terrify your classmates as the ghost of future futures as you advise them of the financial benefits of couponing. And did you know that washing your hair in the sink can save pennies off your water bill?
What you’ll need: Graduation cap and gown, a forced smile and a pang of fear in your heart.
NOBEL PRIZE WINNER Bob Dylan
Just dress like Bob Dylan, only every time someone asks who you are, remind them that you are “NOBEL PRIZE WINNER Bob Dylan.” You won a Nobel Prize. And you are Bob Dylan. That is all there is, and all there ever will be.
What you’ll need: Black suit coat, white collared shirt, a Nobel Prize.
Everyone knows America’s 2nd Presidential Debate Sweetheart, Ken Bone. But no one knows America’s “No Need For Debate” Zen Bone. Find your red sweater and your Nirvana with this costume and transcend into enlightenment. Maybe you’ll win yourself a Nobel Peace Prize and you get to hang out with Nobel Prize Winner Bob Dylan. Talk about a photo op.
What you’ll need: A mastered understanding of Buddhist thought and principle, the ability to float, red sweater.
The bear from “The Revenant”
You’re really just another animal costume, but since this CGI dude won Leo an Oscar this year, bear costumes are in. I’m kind of bummed “Sea Urchin” wasn’t cool enough for you, though.
What you’ll need: A bear costume…What, does everything I write have to be funny?
Because clowns aren’t necessarily the best costume idea right now.
What you’ll need: Self-defense skills, just in case.
A mime expressing their political opinions
Because how are they supposed to do that?
What you’ll need: some weird body language skills, ibuprofen.
Bill Clinton’s favorite balloon
Bill Clinton’s had a lot of balloons. But of all the balloons he’s had, you’re his favorite balloon.
What you’ll need: Either to learn how Willy Wonka made that girl blow up into a giant blueberry and copy that. Or just carry around a balloon.
Dress like Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, because everyone will be thinking, “Why is that guy dressed as Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks?” Everyone loves a mystery.
What you’ll need: high speed Internet connection, asylum granted from Ecuador, hair as white as Anderson Cooper or a yeti.
Ian McCourt is a senior television/radio/film major who will be dressed for Halloween as a Sriracha bottle with his friends, and they will be a mighty fleet. You can follow Ian on twitter @OrderInMcCourt or reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Published on October 25, 2016 at 7:28 pm