This is a great time of year for people who enjoy sports. Now that I think about it, every time of year is a great time of year for people who enjoy sports. There are literally always sports sporting in some capacity or another. Whether it’s watching games, actually playing games or virtually playing games — for those who are, quite frankly, not genetically blessed enough to actually play — sports people who are only interested in sports and alcohol must never get bored of continuing to disappoint their fathers.

Except for a brief period of experimentation in high school, I’ve really never been a sports person. I play life it’s like a sport, though — I like to make risky plays that anyone watching from the sidelines would be biting their nails over. I enjoy creating bitter rivalries over nothing and taking showers in Gatorade. Life is all about teamwork. I can’t do it alone. So, after hours of reading through the stats and going through the game footage/staring intently at people I don’t know, I decided on the people I want to draft for my Fantasy Life Team.

1. People who smile at strangers

In the event that our lives change into a live-action horror movie, you all are pretty much doomed. But until then, your soul is stronger than anyone else’s. Sure, you are probably still so nice because you came from a small town that you didn’t realize was actually subtly — or not so subtly — bigoted until you went to college. But in all seriousness, me too.

2. Losers

Give me your beaten down, your failures, your “that was better in theory than in execution” thinkers. They are the humble, the kind and the genuine. Also, give me losers because I still want to maintain a slight sense of superiority, and the more you are used to being a passive, secondary character in your own life, the easier this is for me.

3. Drunk girls I have met in bathrooms

I don’t know whether it was the unspoken community of an understocked and overcrowded bathroom or the eight tequila shots you had, but we really connected on a spiritual level. I truly cannot remember a time in my life when I felt more appreciated than when you said my newly-stained dress was “s’cute.” I want everything good in this world for you.

4. English teachers

Anyone who thinks every single word in a novel is important and holds great meaning is someone that my self-inflated ego needs. Yes. Everything I do is valid and important to my central plot and character development. I did not just decide to watch Netflix for eight hours because it kept playing the next episode and I was too lazy to maintain any kind of control over my life. Carpe diem.

5. The kid who plays Dustin in Stranger Things

Self-explanatory.

6. People who handle food in any capacity

With great power comes great responsibility. I respect you. I don’t deserve you. And have I ever told you that those flecks of guacamole in your eyelashes really bring out your eyes? Ravishing. Incredible. Still extra?

7. Dogs

Is this cheating? I don’t care. I make the rules in this game.

I’m excited to see where this season of life takes us. One thing is for sure, just like in darn near every sport I’ve ever watched or participated in, I will be bad at it and have no idea what is going on.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She routinely is out of breath after walking up stairs and drops the ball literally and figuratively every time she gets the chance. You can follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or reach her at [email protected]. 

Published on September 7, 2016 at 9:23 pm