There is a presidential race going on, and it’s going to be between two people whose faces we’ve seen on TV, so you know they’re trustworthy. There are five major candidates left in this piece — non-Dylan division — and they are: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Donald Drumpf, Ted Cruz and John Kasich. These women, men and children all have a shot at leading the United States into war or the Super Bowl, whichever comes first.

A lot of the criticism that millennials often get, and maybe I’m generalizing here, is that we are completely uninformed yet speak the loudest. And before I continue down this generalization rabbit hole, I wanted to take a step back and examine how much I know about the candidates. So here it is. I didn’t do any research; this is what I know about each candidate and their policy.

Hillary Clinton

**Stares at computer screen**

Oh sh*t.

OK, OK, OK … I know that she definitely wants to be president, this is certain. I also know that she is a woman who wants to be president, which would be pretty damn amazing because women still aren’t paid the same as men and it took them a while to even get the right to vote because men really don’t like women it turns out. She definitely has strong feelings about things, and she has been a politician for a long time, which people don’t like, but they really don’t like her. Why? I’m not sure for certain.

Bernie Sanders

Hell yeah.

Here I am, a 21-year-old finally getting the opportunity to talk about Bernie Sanders, a rare opportunity in this day and age. Let’s get down to business, and then after I clean up my dog’s poop, let’s talk about the issues.

He wants free college. Wait, like totally free? Like no one has to pay at all? Wait, then who is paying for college? Is it the NCAA? Please tell me it’s the NCAA.

He wants to break up the banks, which is a stance originally taken in Schoolboy Q’s song “Break the Bank.” Anyone who listens to TDE gets my vote immediately. I wonder if he physically wants to break them, like with a hammer. Is he strong enough to do this? I’ve got about a 15 percent understanding of how banks work thanks to “The Big Short,” so he’s probably right.

Donald Drumpf

Oh boy.

Alright, let’s do this.

On immigration: He wants to build a wall to keep out Mexicans who he claims are bad people and has gone into detail about how bad they are. Then he claims he will make Mexico pay for the wall but that seems hard. Imagine saying, “Hey mom and dad, you guys are dumb and do terrible things. You shouldn’t be in this country,” and then three weeks later asking them to pay for your college tuition.

On foreign policy: He wants China to … do something? Is it trade? I have no idea. I just love the way he says the word. It sounds like he’s trying to do vocal warm-ups while also trying to entertain a baby.

On not being a politician: He’s winning because he isn’t a politician, so this isn’t too big of a deal. He’s promising to hire “the best people” if he gets into office. But those are who he thinks are the best people, so this can range anywhere from Sylvester Stallone to Jason Statham. I’d like to imagine his presidential cabinet as the cast of “Expendables 12: Geriatric Blood Fight.”

Ted Cruz

Ah yes, Lion Ted Cruz.

The man who has such a beautiful mane of hair, Donald Drumpf has complimented him numerous times by comparing him to the King of the Jungle.

I don’t have a single idea of what he believes in. I know he’s right wing, so he’s played hockey before. The other day, a friend and I looked up on Instagram how many accounts there are about Ted Cruz being the Zodiac Killer. Guys, there are so many accounts. A staggering amount. An amount that should never exist for a man who A) has a family and B) wants to be the president of the U.S. and wherever else data rates may apply.

John Kasich

This guy talks more about what he did in Ohio than LeBron James — this joke is from 2011. What did he do in Ohio? Funny you should ask, because I have absolutely zero clue. The thing is, we all saw how devastated Ohio was when LeBron left, why would Kasich do that to his own state?

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So there you have it. Am I embarrassingly uninformed about politics? You bet I am. Am I going to strive to be better? I goddamn hope so. The person who is elected president is the president. The real one. I don’t know where to start, but if I want my vote to matter, I should probably put down the Netflix and read something. But maybe just one more episode …

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He is voting for Kale. Yay Kale. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on April 26, 2016 at 9:02 pm