To Whomever, I guess,

We of the National Football League don’t get what the big deal is. We suspended Tom Brady before, why wouldn’t we do it again? Have you ever peed on a small animal or eaten meatballs? If you have, you would know that once you do, you want to do it again and again, it’s human nature.

This is why we are entirely justified in our decision to suspend Tom Brady. Brady deflated the footballs probably and even if he didn’t, f*ck that dude, right? I mean, look at his dumb face in those UGGs that I just want to punch and make love to at the same time. He’s such a suspend-able guy — he should be wearing suspenders.

To the fans, players and the rest of the league who think this decision is absurd, here are my “deal with it” glasses. What are you going to do, stop watching football? A movie with Will Smith came out about how dangerous this sport is, and there are still multiple football shows on ESPN every day.

We are unstoppable, and you keep giving us money, so what’s even the point? Here’s what’ll happen, you guys will get really angry about how the NFL has too much power and that Roger Goodell has red hair and smells like gasoline. Then a week goes by, and you’re back to watching highlights of men who are getting paid by you to hit each other.

As the National Football League, there are no consequences to our action. But we’ve earned that right. Excuse me while I step out to yell “fire” in a Midtown Marriott lobby.

We keep getting stronger like that team that hates one another but wins the title because we’re so damn talented. Just the other day after I fired my third secretary because she was getting too lippy, and I sent my fourth one to a sushi restaurant to pick up a boat of rolls and dumplings. Then I went to a nearby lake and gave the boat a Viking funeral. Cured fish doesn’t mean anything to me — I’m too busy watching the Jaguars and Browns live on Twitter. Did I mention we’re streaming on Twitter now? It’s the first installment of many, where eventually we just send an intern to your home and he throws wheels of recorded game tape at your testicles. It’s in Blu-ray, though.

By all means, please go watch another sport. Oh yeah, the NBA playoffs are on — you mean the sport where there are only five legitimate title contenders every year and having a superstar is a pre-requisite for winning? Or how about hockey, the one where you can’t see the thing that determines who is winning and losing? Or baseball, the one that takes eight hours to complete a game?

Before you say anything, soccer is football so it doesn’t count. Like a human centipede, you will come crawling back to us. I could have said baby there, but that’s not sinister enough. Also, babies can get concussions.

Football is great — that’s why everyone watches it. There’s a reason we’re this big, like The Beatles. John Lennon said that they were bigger than Jesus. No, John. We’re bigger. The Jesus Beatles. In the history of the world, when has anything that makes an insane amount of money been corrupt?

With that being said, I’m tired and my fifth secretary’s hands are beginning to cramp. Hopefully this all makes sense, although to be honest I don’t care if it doesn’t. For now, I’m going to go home, eat a New York strip steak, smoke a cartoonishly large cigar and enjoy endless hours of draft coverage on the NFL Network because I am literally Pete from the Mickey Mouse cartoon.

Because we had to,

The National Football League

Danny Cuneo is a senior television radio and film major. He has been a huge football fan all his life and still is, so he is a hypocrite. His column appears weekly in Pulp. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on April 25, 2016 at 9:30 pm