Last year I kept a running diary of “High School Musical” to revel in a little nostalgia as well as to see if the movie was as magical as we all remember.

It was.

This year I dove deep into the Disney vault to pull up the 2003 hit “The Cheetah Girls.”

So here it is, Disney Movie Flashback Episode II: Attack of the Cheetah.

0:37- The first sequence of the movie is the four girls obviously lip synching a performance that is shot “music video style” at an 8-year-old kid’s birthday party. We are introduced to Galleria, Chanel, Aquanette aka “Aqua” and Dorinda. Dorinda is white.

Dorinda is the name of a white person in this movie.

9:00- Galleria’s Italian father Francobollo, who talks as if he is in a Mario Bros. interpretation of “Les Miserables,” doesn’t understand why Galleria has switched “bling-bling” to “bling-bling-bling.”

We need a hotline for conundrums such as these.

Galleria continues to talk about the upcoming talent show, which apparently will make the Cheetah Girls instantly famous after they win a chance to submit a demo tape. Galleria backs up her claim with evidence of the success of Monique Twig and Electra Breeze who won talent shows and went platinum.

Monique Twig and Electra Breeze.

I feel like the producers had two wheels: one with names of people and the other with names of nouns and actions, and they just spun them to get whatever name they wanted.

13:41- Galleria gets a late night call from Chanel who calls her “Bubbles.” That’s like someone calling me Pumpkin (please do not call me this).

15:32- “I have to meet with Mrs. Almanac about my history test.” –Chanel.

Real line, in the movie.

The equivalent of saying:

“I need to go meet with my gastroenterologist, Dr. Wet Diarrhea.”

20:17- Well, here comes the host of the talent show, DRINKA CHAMPAGNE.

Guys.

The host of this talent show is a former pop star who uses disco metaphors to talk to her students, and her name is DRINKA CHAMPAGNE.

21:43- OH HELLO NOTABLE PRODUCER JACKAL JOHNSON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AT A HIGH SCHOOL?

Good time to pause here and drop the first of many Cheetah Girl Power Rankings:

1. Aqua- duh.
2. Chanel- she’s fun.
3. Dorinda- is she homeless?
4. Galleria- starting to heel turn.

33:20- The Girls have arrived for their meeting with Jackal at Def Duck Records.

Def Duck Records.

How does a Def Duck listen to music and why, if this was a play on “Def Jam” wouldn’t they do something like “Def Peanut Butter Records” or “Def Jelly Records.”

37:35- Jackal’s plan for Cheetah success in three steps: 1) record a “bumpin” demo 2) people then fall in love with said demo 3) make millions.

This man is a professional record producer.

38:42- Dammit, the talent show and the recording gig is on the same day!

51:05- Chanel finds Dorinda at an apartment with kids running around. Dorinda is a foster child but didn’t want to tell anyone.

51:37- Chanel is talking about how sometimes not having parents is a good thing. This is not a good thing.

56:52- Galleria takes charge and knows she’s being a b*tch to her friends but is OK with it.

So she’s self-aware which is likable? But she’s also the worst? I think it’s time to update the power rankings:

1. Aqua- haven’t seen her in like an hour but who cares.
2. Chanel- she’s empathic and doesn’t have a mom but does which makes her more likable.
3. Dorinda- not that she’s third best, but the other two are doing more to stand out.
4. Galleria- Just … nope.

1:07:29- Oh no, sad montage time.

Dorinda looks upset as she gets closer to a national dancing tour even though it was her dream. Meanwhile, Aqua can’t hail a cab, because life is great for her and this is the hardest thing she will ever go through.

Let’s review the struggles of each:

-Dorinda: embarrassed foster child whose parents abandoned her.
-Galleria: horrible relationship with her mother who used to be a singer and is afraid her daughter will get hurt so she won’t let her chase her dreams.
-Chanel: mother won’t bond with her because she’s too busy chasing after a rich French guy.
-Aqua: can’t hail a cab/afraid of the subway.

1:16:07- Galleria is wearing a full on pink leopard outfit in public, as most of us would if our dreams were blowing up in our faces.

Toto! Why is the dog sprinting?

1:17:47- Well Toto has fallen into an unfortunately placed pothole and has nestled himself into the perfect crevasse that has made him nearly unreachable. What a turn of events.

1:19:32- Aqua shows up wearing the same outfit as Galleria in blue. And she took the subway to be here!

1:19:59- Oh dear, all the Cheetahs came in the same outfit, but they all are talking smack to Galleria. They only came for Toto. How are they all this invested in a dog?

1:20:30- Now, they’re cutting off the power and gas for a dog. Guys, this is mid-town Manhattan, this is irresponsible.

1:23:08- Toto won’t move, so now the Cheetahs have to sing to get him out.

So let’s get this straight: if this complete accident didn’t happen that somehow turned into the dog version of the Chilean Miner story in New York City, the Cheetah Girls wouldn’t have all reunited?

Now the dog is safe, but they still don’t like each other? That’s not how movies work.

1:26:18- Galleria starts singing and without admitting her guilt or wrongdoing, everyone forgives her through song!

DAMMIT WE ARE CHEETAH SISTERS.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS AND FIREMEN ARE BACKGROUND DANCERS. HELP I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP.

1:31:08- No way, they just gave first prize in the talent show, which was going on this whole time, to the Cheetah Girls. They bailed on the talent show because they didn’t think it was important enough. There are no repercussions for anyone’s actions.

1:31:28- Jackal is calling back, probably asking for forgiveness because he was wrong, like a normal person sorry for their decisions. But these 14-year-old girls are putting a major record producer on blast like they run the world.

CHEETAH!!!

FIREWORKS SPELL CHEETAH GIRLS!!

CREDITS.

Final Cheetah Power Rankings:

1. Aqua
2. Aqua
3. Aqua
4. Aqua

Danny Cuneo is a senior television radio and film major. Raven isn’t in the third one, so does it really count? He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on January 11, 2016 at 11:52 pm