The student body breathed a collective sigh of relief (laced with self-loathing) upon the realization that cold weather would soon be upon us and negate the necessity of going to the gym.

Students all across campus are begrudgingly taking their final trips to the gym before the coming cold provides them with a reasonable-enough excuse to loaf around for a few months, cultivating a doughy physique in time for winter.

In accordance with a time-honored Syracuse tradition, students give up maintaining a regular gym schedule in the winter months as the cold, and the knee-length parkas and bulky sweaters that accompany it, render the gym completely useless as they abscond everything from chin-to-toe from public view.

When asked about his gym habits outside Ernie Davis Fitness Center, senior Mario Bravado agreed that his “pretty consistent” trips to the gym dwindle to nothing when the temperature drops.

“Yeah, I’m pumped to get pretty hefty,” he said. “By sophomore year I figured out you can put on at least 10 pounds without much consequence. As long as it doesn’t show on your face, you’re made in the shade.”

In the proud tradition of bears, SU students instinctively put on weight as a natural and basic defense from the cold. It’s done in preparation for the “Syracuse hibernation period,” marked by intense laziness and a general apathy during the months of November through April.

“Honestly, the only thing that can get you in trouble is theme parties,” added junior Constance Willet in reference to the common Syracuse practice of tricking partygoers into wearing as little attire as possible. “I remember I used to try to dress sexy for themes. I was one of those suckers who’d hot glue knick-knacks onto bras and stuff. But last year I bought a Tigger onesie and wore that to everything, regardless of theme. I can’t recommend that enough — everyone thinks I’m funny and I only have to put in 20 minutes a week on the treadmill.”

Despite the tradition, there are some on campus who manage to resist, maintaining a peak level of physical fitness year round. Some cite a love of clean eating, a sense of catharsis through exercise or just that going to the gym is something they enjoy and do for themselves.

“I like going to the gym,” said Kelsey McBarton, an undeclared junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. “I work it into my class schedule and it definitely gives me a bigger boost of energy than a nap ever could. I genuinely enjoy the routine, even if I have to brave the cold.”

Despite being liars and try-hards looking to get a leg up on the competition, this brave minority serves the important purpose of keeping the campus exercise equipment warmed up and in good working order for the rest of the SU campus when they return in flocks in the weeks leading up to spring break.

So goodbye for now, Ernie and Archbold, we never really liked you that much.

Evan Hohenwarter is a senior advertising major who is almost as modest as he is handsome. He can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter at @evanhohmbre.

Published on October 13, 2015 at 9:42 pm