Sorry for this one, hopeless romantics, but Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark cash grab.

So, of course, I was slinking back into “spending Valentine’s Day single again” syndrome, when Hopeless Records’ annual “Love Is Hopeless” compilation hit shelves. In past Februarys, Hopeless used the album as a vehicle to plug singles and new signings, but this year’s track listing finally hopped on the Valentine’s Day bandwagon with a slew of covers.

All Time Low covers Cyndi Lauper, We Are the In Crowd tackles Bruno Mars, a few bands acousticize their hits and it’s just another lovey-dovey mess. Right?

Well, not exactly. Hopeless Records flaunts some of its strongest acts, but the strange selection of tunes makes this Valentine’s Day label plug baffling. The record starts sappy enough, with boyish heartthrobs All Time Low smearing their sloppy power chords and whiny choruses over Cyndi Lauper’s “True Colors,” but it quickly loses that loving feeling.

Bruno Mars’ “Grenade” gets the pop-punk treatment from We Are the In Crowd, and co-lead singers Tay Jardine and Jordan Eckes tear up the track with battling harmonies that pack as big a punch as Cameron Hurley’s no-nonsense guitar riffs. But for all of Mars’ saccharine ballads, “Grenade” is the absolute worst choice for a Valentine’s compilation. Eckes belting, “tell the devil I say hey when you get back where you’re from” isn’t a suitable replacement for a box of chocolates, guys.

Most, if not all of the covers, are head-scratchers. Air Dubai puts a sleepy hip-hop spin on Britney Spears’ “Toxic,” Divided By Friday does an embarrassingly nasally Sting impression on Mars’ “Locked Out Of Heaven,” and scene newcomers For the Foxes deliver a nearly note-for-note reboot of Death Cab For Cutie’s “I Will Follow You Into the Dark.”

If you’re playing along at home, that’s one song comparing love to poison, one about not getting laid (thanks, Bruno) and one that straight up tells a girl “love of mine/some day you will die” in the first line. In fact, the only thought more depressing is the fact that Bruno Mars gets covered twice.

It’s a shame, because these artists clutter the space around a handful of really pretty ballads. Yellowcard’s stripped down re-imagining of “Always Summer” slows down the melody and pumps raw emotion into singer Ryan Key’s delivery. Violinist Sean Mackin stands out with a gorgeous solo, making the track a winner.

The other tune to get an acoustic makeover, The Dangerous Summer’s “No One’s Gonna Need You More,” is a stark contrast from the original, but it’s hard to tell who bests who: AJ Perdomo’s heartstring-tugging vocals or Cody Payne’s plaintive guitar strumming.

There are some other highlights — Driver Friendly’s horn-laden “Lost Boys” shows why they’re a buzz band on the verge of blowing up — but none of the songs Hopeless included really scream Valentine’s Day. The Used’s synthesizer-heavy “Surrender” feels especially out of place, and Anarbor’s “Useless” isn’t far behind, save for its ho-hum ballad status.

But maybe that’s the point. Maybe Hopeless Records just wants to remind fans that Valentine’s Day is a sell-out of a holiday, existing only for the love of a good Hallmark movie and an expensive dinner date. The scary thing is, “Love Is Hopeless” might not just be a tongue-in-cheek title to shoehorn the label’s name into the comp. Maybe the album is actually just a friendly reminder from Hopeless Records that love actually is hopeless.

Or not. Whatever. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Published on February 12, 2013 at 12:04 am

Contact Erik: [email protected] | @therealvandyman