Good news: I’ve joined modern society. After years — nay, eons of darkness — I found enlightenment. I have finally stopped seeing the shadows on the walls and looked outside the cave. I am whole.

I got an iPhone.

Until last Wednesday, I was singlehandedly keeping Research In Motion in business, thanks to my steadfast BlackBerry Bold loyalty. But it was finally time to bite the bullet and make the switch, though it pained me to give up my rebel, or moron, status. After all, how could I show myself among society with my antiquated smartphone and its peasant keyboard? How silly I was.

When I went into the store I was still on the fence. I asked the Verizon guy about the BlackBerry versus the iPhone, hoping he would weigh the pros and cons and give me a balanced analysis of the strengths on both devices.

He laughed in my face and told me that he hadn’t sold a BlackBerry in six months.

And so I became a corporate lemming: I got my black iPhone in its minimalist chic box, picked out a minimalist chic case and joined the Starbucks clone species.

But, miracle: The Facebook app works! I can go on the Internet without destroying my battery life! Greatest of all: There’s an app to order Chipotle!

Fruit Ninja!

What is this dark magic?

Despite all of the wonderful new tricks I can do with my telephone, I felt a twinge of sadness as I said goodbye to my BlackBerry. We had seen some good times together. It had only let me down like, 20 or 30 times. And there’s something to be said for that, isn’t there? It’s like having a car for a long time — eventually it becomes a character in your life, and you learn to love its little idiosyncrasies.

For example, if I put my BlackBerry down the wrong way, it would randomly reset itself and be out of commission for 20 minutes. How adorable is that?

After a moment of reminiscing, I remembered that it’s a phone and who cares. Now I can take pictures of food and put weird filters over them and share for everyone to see. That’s way more important than sentiment.

I do worry I’ve now become a part of the slow decline in society — furthering the secret cause of Apple and Google to one day become world overlords and brainwash us all with cute, tear-jerking commercials and apps that give them total control of our lives.

My BlackBerry was a stubborn declaration of independence, though small and insignificant.

Unfortunately, people didn’t really see me as a maverick the way I saw it. Mostly, they just laughed when I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

So, the BlackBerry era ends in my life. Rest in peace, phone. We had a good run. You won’t really be missed, but I will think of you fondly from time to time. All we are is dust in the wind.

Follow me on Instagram! Just kidding, you people stay away from me, creeps.

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on November 27, 2012 at 2:00 am