All those hazy memories and drunk walks home have finally paid off. This past August, the Princeton Review named Syracuse University the 10th best party school in the nation.

All is not well, however. For everything that the State University of New York College of Environmental Science and Forestry shares with — read as “takes from” — SU, those hippies don’t know how to party. According to Playboy — hey, it has great articles — ESF is the worst party school in the nation.

That is probably the only time ESF and Playboy will ever be used in the same sentence. I don’t blame the Oakies for not knowing how to party. I would just like to invite them to a real Syracuse party. Just not one that I’m at.

But a recent trend is threatening Syracuse’s beloved notoriety among the habitually intoxicated: stupidity. Stupidity is nothing new to the human race. After all, we adore the likes of Kim Kardashian, Snooki and the expressionless Kristen Stewart. No, stupid is not new, but stupid better not impede my ability to party.

Over the past few weeks I have run into a wide variety of idiots, some drunk and some stone-cold sober, but all of them incredibly stupid. They created more party fouls than a coked-up Lindsay Lohan and, quite frankly, I’m sick of it.

I was enjoying the last party I was at when, all of a sudden, a Mariah Carey song came through the speakers. Normally I wouldn’t complain, but this wasn’t “Triumphant (Get ’Em)” or even “Get Your Number.” It was “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

I know what you’re thinking: No one can possibly be stupid enough to play Christmas music in September. Unfortunately, such a person exists. There are some pretty bad disc jockeys out there, which is rather surprising given how simple it is to not suck. But some people will constantly switch tracks mid-song, play music that no one else particularly enjoys and then pull out Christmas music way too early.

If you’re wondering what offender I am referring to, he could probably be found on campus wearing a bright red suit, singing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” to himself. Sometimes it’s best to just throw on the typical frat house music.

Freshmen, I have some sage advice for the rest of your partying days: Act like you’ve been there before. I understand where you’re coming from. It’s your first time away from mommy and daddy and you want to run wild. I have a message for you guys: Chanting “Sadler One” in an attic doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look like a freshman.

Also, don’t chuck the pong ball after you lose. Just because we make fun of you for being a freshman doesn’t mean you should throw a temper tantrum like you’re still in kindergarten.

The Department of Public Safety has been flooding my inbox about robberies, muggings and reminders to party with your friends instead of strangers. I can’t agree more. No one else is going to hold your hair back as you toss your jungle juice. If you don’t like partying with your friends, go find the nearest guy with a “frat daddy ’fro” and introduce yourself. The locals will beat you up, your TA won’t buy you a drink at the bar and your family won’t find drunk you amusing.

I don’t consider myself a professional partier or even Van Wilder, I don’t have emotional breakdowns over actresses who can’t act, but I do like to have fun. Please, don’t be stupid.  That’s how we wind up on double secret probation, and nobody wants that. Unless it ends with everyone wearing togas.

Brett Fortnam is a senior newspaper journalism and political philosophy major who will be unemployed in nine months. His column appears every Thursday until there are enough complaints to make him stop. He can be reached at [email protected], but he will not respond.

Published on September 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm