1.5/5 popcorns

Every funny joke in “The Watch” is spoiled in the trailer.

Its title was shortened from “Neighborhood Watch” after the Trayvon Martin shooting. This crass male-bonding movie gets the occasional chuckle in an otherwise dull story with corny dialogue. It’s full of explosions, gooey alien gore and tons of blatant product placement — most notably Budweiser and Trojan Brand Condoms.

Veteran funnymen Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn star in the stale action sci-fi comedy, staying firmly in their comfort zones. They play the same tired roles they always have but with different names. Along with scene-stealing Jonah Hill and underutilized British comic Richard Ayoade, they attempt to thwart an alien invasion, making every possible dirty joke along the way.

“The Watch” takes place in the picturesque town of Glenview, Ohio. Costco manager Evan (Stiller) founds a neighborhood watch after one of his security guards is gruesomely murdered during a late night shift. He makes a halftime speech at a local high school football game asking for volunteers while sporting a “NO MORE MURDERS” T-shirt.

Only three guys show up. Bob (Vaughn) is a bored suburban dad looking to have some fun. Franklin (Hill) is a wannabe cop and resident mama’s boy who joins up to “bust some heads.” Then there’s Jamarcus (Ayaode), a friendly Brit just hoping to get laid.

Despite being part of the watch, Ayaode is starved for screen time. But he makes the best of it with charming wit and perverted humor. “Saturday Night Live”alum Will Forte also appears as a hilariously clueless local cop who obnoxiously jeers the watch.

It’s all fun and beers until they stumble across mysterious alien technology and some vicious lizard-like extraterrestrials hell-bent on invading Earth. No worries though — the aliens’ brains happen to be located in the same place as every guy’s: their crotches. Cue tons of nut shots to save the day.

Director Akiva Schaffer, of “Hot Rod” fame, approaches the action scenes very simply: lots of shooting, explosions and dramatic slow-motion sequences. Then, dump buckets of blood and slime all over it, and hope people think it’s funny.

Stiller and Vaughn turn in uninspired, mostly improvised performances, as if they expect participation trophies just for showing up. Stiller’s Evan is a rehashed version of his “Meet the Parents” and “Night at the Museum” characters: a nice, normal guy trying to make a difference in the community. Evan is an enthusiastic organizer who resists letting loose, and he’s also troubled by baby-making woes with his sexy wife, Abby (Rosemarie DeWitt).

Vince Vaughn’s Bob is an older version of his same immature, happy-go-lucky persona from “Dodgeball,” “Old School” and “Wedding Crashers.”  He just wants to drink, have fun with the boys, give pump-up speeches and yell his lines with comedic enthusiasm. The funniest aspect of his character is a budding bromance with Jonah Hill’s Franklin.

Hill gives the most original performance of the bunch, mixing naïve childishness with immature bravado and a psychotic edge. Franklin goes from eating pudding and calling Bob his “most special friend” to blasting aliens away with his home arsenal and threatening a houseful of teenagers with his butterfly knife. He yells at his mom to stay out of his room and then quickly apologizes, whispering, “Sorry, Mom. I was trying to impress my friends. I was trying to be a big man. I love you.”

“The Watch” relies heavily on crude humor and gags, but it’s got a few good lines and ultimately makes for familiarly mindless entertainment. In one memorable scene, Franklin is relaxing in an expensive massage chair and whispers, “I feel like…a thousand baby wizards are massaging me with their baby wands.”

It’s the kind of movie a 14-year-old thinks is the pinnacle of comedy, but everyone else knows better. Those who love endless penis jokes and a running comparison of alien slime to a certain bodily fluid: this is the film for you.

Published on August 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Contact Rob: [email protected]