Whether you’re a freshman just beginning the college experience or an upperclassman Durex shareholder, ask yourself the question: Is a c*ck blocker ruining your sex life?

C*ck blocking popped onto my sex agenda while watching the infamous “Mean Girls” Monday. A young Rachel McAdams disses The Lohan to her high school crush at the Halloween party and then steals the guy for herself.

Whether you want to call it c*ck blocking or boob blocking, McAdams’ behavior was unacceptable. Riled by her actions, I decided to undertake some very scientific research to understand the true extent of c*ck blocking in the student population.

And, with the help of Urban Dictionary, I can report that c*ck blocks come in all shapes, sizes and species.

1) The C*ck Blockade: It’s a unisex phenomenon. In female form, the blockade is a large group of girls attempting to “protect” their friends from that total jerk at the bar. They swarm the area, ruin the moment and then drag the friend to the bathroom for no reason.

In the male form, an army of guys takes it upon itself to target one of their friends and make him as sexually unsuccessful as possible by telling all the girls at the bar that he’s impotent.

2) C*ck Blocked by Association: This is when you’re c*ck blocked because the person you like is friends with or related to someone you know.

Chet Davis, a senior broadcast journalism major, was c*ck blocked by his cousin after she asked him to show her friend around Cape Cod because he knew the area.

“The girl happened to be pretty cute,” Davis said. “After a few parties, she admitted she wanted to hook up, but couldn’t because of my cousin. Buzzkill.”

Association blockades may also arise if a best friend has dated someone who now wants to undress you. You are forced to subscribe to “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” rather than fulfill your dirty desires.

3) The Social Media C*ck Block: It’s a form of c*ck blocking carried out by social media savvy individuals, primarily female. Individuals post status updates, Instagrams and tweets that heavily feature a guy they want, even though they aren’t in a relationship. They’re like lions peeing around their territory, except they cyber urinate on Facebook.

4) C*ck Block Your Own C*ck: This is probably the worst kind of c*ck block because it’s entirely self-inflicted. Davis’ roommate, Andrew Kanell, a senior broadcast journalism major, fell afoul of the worst kind of c*ck block: his own c*ck. Close to sealing the deal with a girl from work, Kanell decided to tell her everything she sucked at in her job.

“I kind of felt like Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm,” Kanell said. “He talked his way out of sex on one episode of the show because he disagreed with a woman’s political views.”

5) The Pet C*ck Block: The questionable practice of bringing pets to college means the animal c*ck block is out to play. Take my roommate from the summer. He adopted a tiny half-pug, half-terrier called Milo, who has a preference for his owner’s bed at night. Pet c*ck blocking, when a creature hinders the sexual conquests of his or her owner, gets even weirder when the owner starts preferring dogs. Period.

6) The C*ckblocalypse: This is the c*ck block equivalent of being kicked in the balls with a steel-capped boot. You get so badly c*ck blocked by a friend, foe, pet or yourself that the fallout is a complete loss of confidence in sexual prowess. The effect can last for weeks, if not months.

The moral of the c*ck-block story is to ignore any notions of keeping your friends close and your c*ck blocks closer. If you’re tired of cherry-ade, or actually want to use the condoms your mom bought you, identify potential blockades in advance and avoid them at all costs.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology major. Her column appears every Wednesday. She likes to think she’s a victim of c*ck blocking, but the reality is no one’s interested. She can be reached at [email protected]. 

 

Published on August 28, 2012 at 11:53 pm