The beach is a zoo. In the past week you’ve probably seen a menagerie of body shapes, from big hairy bears to sleek skinny snakes. But here’s the magic: Your body is compatible with every ‘body’ on that beach. How? It’s simple. Sex.

It’s the best sport out there. You don’t need to look a certain way, and you don’t need to understand zone defense. You don’t even need to be literate. When it comes to sex, everyone in the world could be your next workout, with the odd orgasm thrown in as a bonus.

If you break down sex as a sport, the stats get exciting. The calorie offset is incredible. The HealthStatus website states you need to burn 3,500 calories to lose a pound. But here’s the good part. You could hypothetically burn 21 calories performing 15 minutes of foreplay,according to the HealthStatus calculator.Add that to the 125 you burn from 30 minutes of sexual intercourse. Subtract Columbian Health’s estimate that a teaspoon of semen contains 5-7 calories that you’ll inadvertently consume. In less than an hour, you’ve got 141 calories burnt to sexy hell.

People reap the benefits of the sexual sport without even thinking about it. I overheard a girl on campus talking to her friend who had got a new boyfriend. The girl commented on how her friend has lost so much weight since she and her man became, like, totally Facebook official. The girl said she didn’t change anything in her diet or exercise regimen.

Lies. Sex is like a secret gym. It’s so good it doesn’t feel like you’re exercising. This girl was slim and toned, a look only achieved through serious time exercising.

I want what that girl has. Ross McCall, a personal trainer at Virgin Active in the U.K., said she has probably got strong hip flexors and abdominal muscles. It doesn’t matter who you’re having sex with: Your abdominal muscles and hip flexors take a pounding.

Urban Dictionary even has a name for the muscles used during sex: sex muscles. The site defines this imaginatively named muscle group as ‘the curves of well-defined abdominal muscles that start at the lateral iliac crests and end medially at the pubic tubercle.’

You saw sex muscles on beaches across America last week as boys and girls put their goods on show. What’s sexier on a man than the infamous ‘V-cut’ that starts at the hips and dips to who knows where?

But not everyone can wear their sex muscles on their sleeve. You need sub-10 percent body fat according to McCall, who proudly flaunts his sex muscles as a part-time male model.

‘To keep body fat down you need to eat lean meats like chicken, turkey, fish and some lean beef,’ he said. ‘Stick to clean carb sources such as sweet potato, brown rice and oats. Fats come mainly from milk and oils.’

But there’s no need for worldwide body fascism. Exercises can be done daily to make you into a sex machine without going on a superlean diet. The Livestrong Fitness website recommends leg raises with medicine balls and simple lunges with weights to strengthen hip flexors. Planks, where you rest your body weight on your forearms and hold for a minute, work the abs.

So here’s a serious thought as you embark on the last six weeks of the semester. Free up time to work out your sex muscles, and aim to tame that zoo in the summer.

Iona Holloway is a junior magazine and psychology dual major. She has visible sex muscles if she stands upside down, turns off the lights, breathes in and uses an optimal webcam angle. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on March 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm