Unless you like to wake up to a baby screaming at 4 a.m., casual sex is the way to go: no consequences.

However, 34 percent of American women are pregnant at least once before they are 20, according to the 2005 Kaiser Family Study of Sex on TV. So here are seven ways to be down to f**k, ensuring that ‘she’ isn’t condemned to nine months of beached whale-dom, and ‘he’ doesn’t owe 21 years of child support to Ugly Betty from Shaw Hall.

1) The Condom: Don’t know that person’s first name? You’ve got to glove the love. If that idiot you met at the bar says, ‘I don’t use condoms,’ just hope you aren’t smashed enough to agree. Condoms may make everything a bit, well, muffled, but unless you both have a blue ribbon saying you don’t have The Clap, suck it up and stick it on. According to americanpregnancy.org, condoms are 98 percent effective and protect you from STDs.

2) The Pill: Someone calls Haley Bomboy, a junior communication and rhetorical studies major, at 9 p.m. every night. It’s not her overprotective mother. It’s ‘Baby,’ Bomboy’s pill alarm. The small, round and mighty daily pill stops ovaries from letting eggs loose by releasing the hormones estrogen, progestin or both. The pill is 99 percent effective when taken correctly. However, being overweight, vomiting and some antibiotics can affect efficiency, according to Planned Parenthood’s website.

3) The Vaginal Ring (NuvaRing): If you don’t want your own Blue Ivy Carter, you should’ve put a ring on it: once a month for three weeks to be precise. NuvaRing sits inside the vagina, releases the same hormones as the pill, and makes your uterus unfriendly for any eggs with ideas. When used correctly, according to nuvaring.com, NuvaRing has the same bonuses as the pill: improved skin, fewer cramps and less PMS.

4) The Implant (Implanon): Inserted under the skin on your arm, this small matchstick-sized device releases progestin. Nearly 600 women using Implanon reported unwanted pregnancies to the UK’s Medicine and Health Regulatory Agency since its release in 1999, according to ABC’s website.Sounds scary, but that actually means Implanon is 99.95 percent effective. The implant lasts three years and is ideal for women who can’t take estrogen. Plus, you don’t need a Baby Alarm.

5) The Today Sponge: Like a small sterilizing jellyfish, this foamy disk destroys all unwanted vagina visitors with deadly spermicide. The sponge lasts 30 hours, involves no hormones and sits high enough in the cervix that neither of you will know it’s there, according to Planned Parenthood’s website. It is 91 percent effective, has a small loop for easy removal and fits in your purse. Too cute.

6) Withdrawal: Lots of dreamboats are adamant they can sail in and out without dropping anchor. Doubtful. I advise sticking an ‘I don’t allow withdrawal’ poster on your ceiling so when there’s a naked body on top or, God forbid —already inside you, you can look to the heavens and just say, ‘No.’

7) Emergency Contraception: If your usual contraception fails, the Morning After Pill is effective up to five days after unprotected sex. Its efficiency drops drastically after 72 hours. It can really screw up your period, so don’t make it a weekly ritual. Plus, it costs up to $50 at CVS. That’s a pair of shoes.

Oh, wait, here’s option seven and a half: According to my roommate, Amy Knee, a junior physical education major, her biology textbook said abstinence is 100 percent effective.

Her biology textbook can go f**k itself.

Iona Holloway is a junior magazine and psychology major. Her column appears every Wednesday. She only wants to use a sex sponge if it’s yellow, wears square pants and is named Bob. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on January 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm