Lock your door and stop kissing strangers because the Mononucleosis virus is out hunting. Mono spreads through saliva and close contact, which is how it earned its ‘kissing disease’ tagline. It also loves virgins. Just kidding, it’s not a vampire, but Mono preys on the young and is probably living next door to you in Ernie Davis.

The virus is diagnosed by a positive blood test, showing raised numbers of white blood cells, said Spiro Tzetzis, Syracuse University Health Center medical director.

Laura Fee Hahnefeldt, a junior advertising and psychology dual major, experienced a classic case of mono during Winter Break. She credited her tiredness to a hard semester of overachieving in classes, but began feeling ill on her flight back to Syracuse from Hamburg, Germany. Within days she was unable to eat due to her knife-blade throat, a key diagnostic symptom, Tzetzis said. Tonsils become covered in a white coating, so if you caught it from your girlfriend, just imagine what you’ve been licking.

Hahnefeldt experienced muscle aches, drowsiness, fever and neck glands so large she looked like she’d been on steroids. She went to Crouse Hospital, where she had to give blood and urine samples before being put on an IV drip.

‘They gave me electrolytes, which probably helped me from dying,’ Hahnefeldt said. ‘I couldn’t eat or drink for two days.’

Mono is a viral infection and cannot be treated directly. Minimizing symptoms is the only method of treatment. Armed with class excuse notes and heavy-duty painkillers, Hahnefeldt had no option but to take her swollen spleen, manly neck and 4.0 GPA home to bed.

Anyone who needs others to validate his or her existence is screwed. Mono is the Greek prefix for ‘one’ for a reason. If you catch it, boys, although an excuse for kiss-less sex is the moment you’ve been dreaming of, just put your penis away and take up knitting. You and your mouth are in solitary confinement from sex, or whatever else you do. Sharing any type of ‘utensil’ can spread mono, Tzetzis said.

Now that sex is off the menu, look at mono as a way to learn traditional courting etiquette. Hahnefeldt experienced a mono-infected date recently. She went to the Bleu Monkey Cafe with a handsome guy. He paid for the raw fish, but they got off the bus at different stops.

‘There’s not much more you can do with mono,’ she said. ‘Mono’s a d*ck to the world.’

If you really can’t stay away from your boyfriend or girlfriend, try rubbing noses like the Inuit.

Don’t forget, even if you did put on your chastity belt this morning you can still catch mono from sharing things you put your mouth on. In 1965, The New York Times reported a chronic outbreak of mono at Georgian Court, an all-girls Roman Catholic college. The college physician blamed the outbreak on shared water fountains and ‘puffing on the same cigarette.’

The best thing about mono is that it’s a free pass to do absolutely nothing. It is essential for any student-athletes playing through mono to stop trying to be a hero. Tzetzis warns that contact sports should be avoided until you’re officially cleared by your provider. You’re at risk of rupturing your spleen if you exercise too soon. However, Tzetzis also said once you’ve had mono, you are immune for life.

As for Hahnefeldt, her throat’s sorted out, but her suffering continues.

‘I don’t want to relax anymore,’ she said. ‘My back hurts.’

Iona Holloway is a junior magazine journalism and psychology dual major. Her column appears every Wednesday. She wants to know if ‘puffing on cigarettes’ is the Catholic way of saying blowjob. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on January 31, 2012 at 12:00 pm