It’s that time of year again. All the regular prime-time shows put out a Christmas special, and the networks shut them down until January rolls around. But there’s still airtime to fill and a quick Internet search will outline enough marathons, one-time variety shows, and made-for-TV movies to keep any watcher busy. Anyone can name the classics, but for the cynic in all of us, here are some real Christmas coals to gather ‘round the fire and openly mock this year. ‘Die Hard’ and ‘Elf’ can wait.

1. ‘Santa Baby’ – ABC Family – Dec. 11 – 2 p.m.

The title is misleading. Surely, ‘Santa Baby’ would be a much better movie if the plot involved a rogue winter warlock who cursed Santa and turned him into a diaper-wearing infant. Then the elves would have to teach him how to walk, speak, and plan and manage an international toy delivering business all to save Christmas. Unfortunately, this is a Jenny McCarthy movie, in which she plays Santa’s daughter, Mary Claus. She’s a fast-talking career woman who has moved on from the North Pole to run her own business. But, alas, Santa has fallen ill, and they need her help to get everything ready—and she also runs into her romantic interest Luke. Will everything work out in the end? Probably.

1. ‘Christmas Do-Over’ – ABC Family – Dec. 15 – 9 a.m.

Remember that time you were watching the film ‘Groundhog Day’ and said to yourself, ‘This is good, but you know what would be great? Make the holiday Christmas. Fire Bill Murray. Hire Jay Mohr. And tone down the humor. In fact, just forget about it all together.’ Yes, in ‘Christmas Do-Over,’ awful father and ex-husband Jay Mohr has to relive Christmas Day over and over again until he can become a better man who understands the meaning of Christmas. To call the movie painful would be an understatement and clearly ABC Family agrees. Otherwise, it would not air at 9 o’clock on a Thursday morning.

1. ‘Santa Who?’ – ABC Family – Dec.12 – 7 a.m.

Leslie Nielsen plays Santa Claus —or does he? After Santa falls off his sleigh onto the hood of a car in New York, he forgets who he is. Really. But it gets better. A curmudgeonly TV news reporter, his girlfriend and his girlfriend’s son then take Santa in. The son tells them it’s the real guy. The adults think that’s crazy. Meanwhile, the elves search for Santa. Hijinks ensue. Spoiler alert: Santa remembers who he is, the adults have their faith in Christmas restored, Christmas is saved and viewers won’t believe they spent 120 minutes on this instead of the Seinfeld marathon.

1. ‘Meet the Santas’ – ABC Family – Dec. 13 – 7 a.m.

Rise and shine one more time for one last early abomination. C-list actor Steve Guttenberg plays Santa Claus. He’s getting married and he’s meeting his mother-in-law to-be. And that’s pretty much it. No saving Christmas or any other big gimmick. The curious can watch the movie on YouTube, and it’s worth watching just to see Guttenberg barely holding back his sense of deep, deep shame in every scene. It’s a true Christmas abomination.

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Published on December 4, 2011 at 12:00 pm

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