I’m 21 years old, and I’ve been in one relationship or another for more than one third of my life – that’s eight years. I wonder if always having a boyfriend is healthy. My friends tell me I’m lucky, but then I look at their ‘no strings attached’ lifestyle and wonder if it would be better for me.

It turns out there’s no formula to determine what’s best for an individual in the relationship and hooking up department, said Joseph Fanelli, a professor in the College of Human Ecology, who teaches CFS 388: Human Sexuality and MFT 400: Love, Lust and Relationships.

‘Love isn’t logical,’ he said. ‘You can plan, but it probably won’t work out that way.’

But being in a committed relationship has its perks. One of those perks is constant physical contact.

Studies show that touch is crucial in infant development. Babies who are cuddled feel a sense of love, and they develop loving relationships as they grow. Infants who are ignored tend to avoid relationships and touch later on in life, Fanelli said. The need for touch is human nature.

‘Adults crave touch,’ said Fanelli. ‘Touch is a very important part of who we are and how we are in a relationship.’

He even said sex is better in committed relationships.

‘Passionate sex emerges with two people who know themselves and each other and who want to please each other,’ he said. ‘You don’t see that with hooking up.’

That doesn’t mean you don’t get touch from one-night stands.

‘Obviously you get cuddling as an immediate fix, but it’s only a temporary sense of closeness,’ Fanelli said.

Hooking up doesn’t fulfill the lifelong necessity of touch. Fanelli’s theory is that human beings are programmed to have satisfying relationships for life.

‘We all look for someone to love and to love (us),’ he said. ‘Sex is part of it, but the goal (in love) is not orgasm; it’s to enhance the capacity to love.’

There is a good amount of research that suggests humans, largely males, weren’t meant to be monogamous for life. Men might have more extramarital sex in order to spread their genes. According to an article on LiveScience.com, today’s monogamy is thought to be for the well-being of children.

While women tend to be serially monogamous, or have series of committed relationships, plenty also take part in casual hook-ups, said John Townsend, an SU anthropology professor.

‘Hook-ups avoid hurt,’ he said.

Both Townsend and Fanelli recognized that the majority of one-night stands are a result of participants being inebriated – and there’s no emotion or commitment with that.

In terms of mental and sexual health, Fanelli, a marriage therapy counselor, said committed relationships go a long way – outside of the bedroom. Not necessarily defined by time, long-term relationships are about commitment and two people sharing something more than just ‘biological sex,’ he said.

‘Long-term (relationships) don’t just happen,’ Fanelli said.

Because relationships take so much time and effort, they are naturally more meaningful than a one-night hook-up.

‘The benefit of being committed is getting to know someone you want to know,’ Fanelli said.

So maybe I didn’t get to see the insides of too many college bedrooms during my four years in college. Maybe I missed out on the infamous walks of shame and juicy catch-up sessions at Shaw’s Sunday brunch. But in the grand scheme of things, it isn’t imperative to rack up notches on a belt. Does that mean I don’t wish I had? Sometimes. But my current relationship of three years is enough to say I made the right decision.

‘Sex in a relationship isn’t just biological; anyone can do biological sex,’ Fanelli said.

Heather Mayer wishes you a Happy Valentine’s Day, whether it’s filled with lovemaking or love affairs with Ben and Jerry. She is the health columnist, and her columns appear every other Thursday. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on February 15, 2009 at 12:00 pm