Bottoms up, pants down.

The sun’s out, campus separation anxiety is wetting the sticky air and MayFest is heading toward campus like a steam train — or a very horny, vodka-soaked asteroid. It’s also my last week as The Daily Orange’s sex and health columnist so, loyal readers, we’re going out with a bang.

As I trekked past the Schine Student Center the other day on my faithful bike, Felicity Hufflepuff, I was hit by the kind of enlightenment spiritualists zen out on. So many hot, young people. So many beautiful buildings. So many places where I could have had sex in public.

Yes, public lewdness is a class B misdemeanor in New York state, resulting in either a fine of up to $2,000, jail for up to 180 days or a combination of both, but just the thought of open-air sex is hot.

After polling random students on campus this week, I’ve reached this conclusion: Beds are officially for bores. Here’s a rundown of some campus haunts where Syracuse University students have been cashing in sexy deposits.

Crouse College bell tower: There’s a reason why the daily bell chime is a bit out of tune. This boy felt a different kind of vibration, f*cking the night away like Ron and Hermione in the Hogwarts-style rafters.

Professor’s office: Hey, she worked there and had the keys. Why wouldn’t you hop on the desk and mess up the paperwork?

Top floor of E.S. Bird Library: One student is clearly a fan of “Friends”’ season 7 episode “The One with Ross’s Library Book.” As he slammed against the equivalent of a dinosaur thesis, I wonder if he rocked more than Fred Flintstone.

The Orange Grove: The pretty area outside of Bowne Hall on the Quad is meant to be a sanctuary for SU alumni to engrave their names and memories in concrete slabs. I wonder if she realized just how many alumni she was screwing on top of when this student christened the concrete.

Hendricks Chapel: It might have been the middle of the night, but God sure was blushing at this girl’s satanic acts. The pews weren’t exactly comfy, but there’s nothing like hardwood (that’s what she said).

Newhouse II Editing Suites: I wonder if the cameras were rolling when this student unclipped her bra and unwittingly relived Kim Kardashian’s youth.

Carrier Dome bathroom: Kid Cudi mumbled and Tinie Tempah was long gone, so her personal pursuit of happiness ended in a concrete cubicle on top of a toilet seat.

Frat basement: It wouldn’t have been that weird, except he was wearing a Batman costume and, to this day, she doesn’t know who he was. That penis must’ve had superpowers.

Flint Hall roof: When she put Flint’s roof on her sex bucket list, her boyfriend’s only condition was that it had to be during the day. They served Quad peeping Toms well.

Thornden Park standpipe: They were picnicking in the September sun when he swept the finger food to one side and grabbed a different kind of sausage.

Connective Corridor bus stop: Her tutu flouncing, she bounced away on his lap, waiting for the bus that never came. “Your frat hates my house,” she cried out. “Why don’t you like me?” He was on his phone and didn’t answer.

While I’m not encouraging a Quad sex marathon or offering to pay any penal code fines this MayFest, I’m glad to graduate knowing my fellow students are living out sex dreams on and in any desk, roof overhang or religious building that takes their f*cking fancy. And if you guess correctly which story was mine, I’ll retweet you.

Thanks for a great ride.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology dual major. Penis and love to all. Visit her at www.ionaholloway.com, email her at [email protected] and tweet her @ionaholloway.

Published on April 24, 2013 at 2:25 am