Erotic novels are having a bit of a moment, none more so than EL James’ 50 Shades of Grey. But can reading dirtier than sin chick-lit have an effect on your sex life?

Here are a few fictional conversations between some key erotica figures documenting the current kinky boom, and how it can play a role in your life.

From: Marquis de Sade

Subject: I put the S in BDSM

To: SU Student Population

Your first floundering into erotic literature may well have been E. L. James’ novel, “50 Shades of Grey,” this summer, but I would like to inform you I’ve been writing this s*** since the 18th century. For the record, while I was incarcerated in mental asylums/prison for 32 years of my life, writing about whores and sex fantasies got me through the hard times.

I’m rather ticked off after reading on the RichList website that Miss E. L. James has made an estimated $15 million from mainstreaming Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism — BDSM.

Sincerely,

Marquis “I put the S in BDSM” de Sade

From: J.K. Rowling

Subject: How DARE you?

To: E. L. James

May I first congratulate you on using “breath hitching,” “gasping,” and “lip biting,” more often in one book than I used the names Harry, Ron and Hermione in seven. Your ability to portray every conversation between lead characters Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey as a pre-orgasmic standoff is to be admired. I read recently on the BBC website that your book has straddled the top spot of The New York Times’ Best Sellers list.

Sincerely,

J.K. Rowling

From: Feminists

Subject: Where’s your self-respect?

To: Anastasia Steele

We believe the depiction of your character in “50 Shades of Grey” disempowers women. Why you insist on blushing, crying and/or biting your lip every time Christian Grey “glares” at you is beyond us. The most progressive thing you do in 514 pages of sniveling, over-analyzing and spanking is get drunk on graduation weekend. While we respect your choice to try something tastier than “vanilla sex,” we wish you would do something radical, like refuse to orgasm. Your incredible ability to “come on command” is problematic for the feminist movement.

Sincerely,

Feminists

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Open Your Mind

To: Scared People

While various movie conglomerates are fighting over which A-list star will play me in the novel’s film adaptation, I would like to encourage those fainting at the thought of “pleasurable pain” to think outside the box. Sexual role-play is simply a concentrated manifestation of everyday interactions. Bondage is nothing more than a hair tie getting a new job description. Sadism is just a slightly vicious butt squeeze. Domination is simply telling someone to do the dishes more forcefully. Without dishes.

You may not wish to turn your dorm room into the Red Room of Pain, or pay for your submissive’s MacBook Pro, but kinky sex need not be daunting. Read the 50 Shades Trilogy, or other erotic equivalent, for further enlightenment.

Sincerely,

Christian Grey

From: Iona Holloway

Subject: BDSM

To: SU Student Population

During casual conversation some weeks ago, I informed a few friends that “everyone has a vibrator.” From the way their eyebrows jumped into their hairlines, I conclude putting a kink in the bed sheets is not entirely mainstream.

A cute, pink vibrator may not cut Christian Grey’s mustard, but bondage, domination, sadism and masochism are just big words for a bit of sexual rough and tumble. Don’t be alarmed or afraid to enjoy tying your boyfriend’s hands to the bedposts. And if playing Rihanna’s “S&M” gets you in the mood, throw your vanilla inhibitions away and embrace the dirt.

Sincerely,

Iona Holloway

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine and psychology dual major. Her column appears every Wednesday. She sincerely hopes her dear mother Joyce doesn’t read this. She can be reached at [email protected].

Published on September 12, 2012 at 12:12 am