Rehab as a career choice

It’s a bad time for college-aged Americans looking to enter the work force. A variety of factors are inhibiting the new workers from immediately rising to the top. Among those factors are the parents themselves, who stubbornly refuse to retire while they hog the highest pay brackets. The global economy is quickly rendering monolingual Americans obsolete. Lucky for them though, a new career has opened up: rehab. No we’re not talking about working at, owning, or operating rehab clinics, we’re talking about living from rehab to rehab. Already, today’s youngest role models like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie have paved the way for the slacker generation, as the only news they generate seems to revolve around which live-in treatment they are seeking.

While salary is at a minimum, the benefits are out of this world! Free meals, ego-centric service and you can leave anytime you want to shoot movies … if you feel like it, of course. Spaces are limited, so interested in-patients-to-be should start working on their resums today. First, you should develop some kind of self-destructive habit, and do it fast. Sex, alcohol, drugs and petty larceny are all good starts. Obsessively collecting Hello Kitty merchandise and obtaining post-graduate degrees are not. For best results, vary your dependencies so when forced to leave one clinic, it only takes minimal time before going to another.

Lastly, be sure to thank mommy and daddy for supporting you so much. They really care about your health. Why else would they keep shelling out for ‘treatment?’