Donald Rumsfeld

Douche bag to scapegoat to war criminal in 3 easy steps!

Ah Rummy, how do we love thee, let me count the ways. OK, never mind that futile exercise, it’s no Republican state secret that the only person in the administration with a lower approval rating than Dubya is Rummy. So now it seems Rummy got his, and we hope he won’t get the Tenet treatment; a Presidential Medal of Freedom just doesn’t seem appropriate.

But now an American civil rights group is trying to levy charges of war crimes against our dear boy in the German legal system. Only a scant few weeks ago the President vowed to have ‘ole Rummy’s back in spite of the criticisms. Let’s examine now how someone praised for his efforts by ‘The Decider’ now faces legit accusations of war crimes … in three easy steps!

Step one: Lie to the American people. WMDs around Tikrit and Baghdad, short war, smart bombs, not having sex with that woman (all right, at least that wasn’t him), the list goes on. Not only that, when pundits, journalists and comedians catch you in these lies, remember this axiom: denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Step two: Through executive power, order a few (thousand) occurrences of torture and abuse. If you are going to be charged with war crimes, you might as well do it anyway.

Step three: Take the fall for a humiliating electoral loss for your boss’s party. That creates some safe distance between you and future presidential candidates. Lucky enough, that same ‘safe distance’ will make it easier for you to take the fall for all sorts of other beastly accusations with no one left to bail you out.

So Don, and may I call you Don? Here’s to the latest chapter in your life’s saga. Apparently Nixon wasn’t enough to damage your reputation, so enjoy your new place in history.

Published on November 13, 2006 at 12:00 pm