Not just an Adam Sandler song

Attention gentiles, goyim and shiksa, it’s throwdown time. My brothers and sisters of the 12 tribes are tired of the festival of lights getting no respect. The half-assed ‘happy holidays’ we get at the checkout isn’t cutting it. All that PC nonsense does is materialize our celebration and bastardize it as ‘Christmas for Jews.’ Hanukkah is way more than that, so this week, it deserves our special attention.

Way back in the good ole days, the Jewish people in Jerusalem had a temple, and inside its holy flame was powered by oil. But see, Antiochus had mad beef with the chosen ones and decided to get all up in that by busting up the temple. So the Jews fought back and formed the Maccabees, the scariest mofos in Judea. In the meanwhile, the temple priests realized they had only enough oil to power the lamp for one day but shizam! The oil miraculously lasted for eight.

The writing’s on the proverbial temple wall: Hanukkah is actually about survival and kicking some Antiochus butt. He wanted to make the Jews worship Zeus but Judah and Mattathias would have none of that. Religious freedom was sacred then and it’s sacred now.

So please, let’s get over this ‘Happy Holidays’ bull. That minute bit of accommodation won’t overshadow that Christmas is everywhere, on the walls and in windows and even on the radio. I’ll even take it one step further and say go ahead and give me a Christmas present, I’ll happily offer you gelt and a dreidel as I wish religious freedom to you too. Just remember that Hanukkah kicks butt in its own way and doesn’t have to be a separate but equal version of Christmas; the truth is, we got you eight to one. Shalom.