Just to recap, last week the nation was sent into an unparalleled level of panic as it learned that a new form of terrorist had struck at what Americans hold most dear: their food. Millions of innocent bags of salad-oriented spinach had to be destroyed to stem the attack from what Fox News calls ‘The Silent Killer.’ For the first time in five years, Osama Bin-Laden was nudged down a spot on the FBI’s most wanted list. New face of terror, thy name is E. coli.

The sad thing is that E. coli has struck before, so it is undeniable that the warning signs existed. Less than 10 years ago E. coli hijacked the feces of an infant and terrorized a popular water park in Georgia. Two years ago, former Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson testified before Congress, citing an ignored memo to the vice president titled ‘E. coli determined to strike in U.S.’ Sadly, his warning fell on deaf ears.

The Romaine Syndicate, known for its open hostility toward Spinach Greens, was initially ruled out as a potential collaborator, but administration officials have ‘not ruled out the possibility of a connection,’ according to White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

The Association of Spinach abroad, still shocked from the tragedy, declined to comment on the situation.

The Food Network, long known as a sympathizer to the Romaine Syndicate, released a tape from E. Coli.

‘We know where you eat and we thrive where it is digested,’ said the masked E. Coli operative. ‘Too long has our bacterium been a mere pawn to the imperialistic human body, so consider this: your mixed greens and swimming pools are no longer safe!’