Every year on Super Bowl Sunday, newspapers around the country write the ‘how much a Super Bowl commercial costs’ story.

In case you missed it this year, the answer was $2.5 million for a 30-second ad. Congratulations, you’ve got at least one right on today’s Communications 107 quiz.

But this year, I’m holding the advertisers responsible. No longer can a company spend a ludicrous amount of money and then not pull through with a quality ad. Here is my review of six of this year’s top ads:

In honor of the Motor City, I rated the commercials on the SUV scale.

One SUV = They should’ve saved their money.

Two SUVs = Decent

Three SUVs = Pretty dang dece

Four SUVs = Even got me to laugh

Company: Burger King

Ad: Whopperettes

Synopsis: This one was a little weird. A bunch of beautiful women dressed as condiments pile on each other inside a hamburger bun as Brooke Burke looks on. Imagine some young ad rep pitching that to the senior associates:

‘OK, so this girl’s the pickle and this one is the mayonnaise and they wave their arms, worshiping the king with the creepy mask.’

‘You think they’ll get it?’

‘Oh yeah, ya see this girl will be the patty and she’ll sit here on top of the bun at the end.’

‘Bingo, Alfred. This one’s definitely a money maker.’

Rating: Two SUVs

Company: Diet Pepsi

Ad: Jay Mohr as CEO

Synopsis: Mohr first meets with P. Diddy and then with Jackie Chan on potential music video and movie deals, respectively. P. Diddy proposes a hip-hop Pepsi serenade titled ‘Brown and Bubbly’ and Jackie Chan co-stars with Diet Pepsi in a kung fu action thriller. In the movie, Diet Coke is the stuntman for Diet Pepsi.

Rating: One SUV. Diet Pepsi is anything but gangsta. I hope no one laughed at this one.

Company: Bud Light

Ad: Comedy Series

Synopsis: As usual, Anheuser-Busch throws everything but the kitchen sink at us, and this year there were a few golden nuggets. First, an employee hides Bud Lights around the office, resulting in mayhem. Then a hiker offers one to a bear to spare his life only to have it swiped by his buddy. Last, a group of husbands pretend to work on the roofs of their homes only to drink Bud Light and barbecue.

Rating: Three SUVs. Classic stuff. There wasn’t a dry eye in my dorm room.

Company: Hummer

Ad: Robot and Godzilla together forever

Synopsis: Godzilla-like creature and giant robot pause from tearing up a metropolis to frolic in the East Side River and cross breed. Original.

Rating: Three SUVs. Did anyone else think that creature looked like Tokka from ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze?’

Company: Dove

Ad: Campaign for Real Beauty

Synopsis: Rather than show the outline of a nude woman with silky smooth Dove skin, this one took a different turn. It showed young girls who didn’t have the ideal hourglass figure in an attempt to raise women’s self-esteem.

Rating: Three SUVs. It didn’t draw any chuckles, but it was socially responsible and went against the tide.

Company: Nationwide.com

Ad: Fabio Shampoo

Synopsis: You’re looking up at Fabio as he paddles your gondola down a side street in Venice. At once, you look and realize he is a 90-year-old man. The moral: Life comes at you fast, buy insurance.

Rating: Four SUVs. If Fabio can laugh at himself 15 years later, then anyone can.

So to all you Super Bowl advertisers, if you’re going to continue paying for the spots, you have to put as much into the commercial itself. I must say, other than a couple belly laughs, Super Bowl XL’s commercials came short of my expectations.

Next year when the New England Patriots continue their dynasty, I’ll make sure to pay more attention to the game.

Timothy Gorman is a design editor at The Daily Orange, where his column once again failed to appear on Tuesday. But in today’s world, Super Bowl commercials will already be out of date by then. E-mail him at [email protected].

Published on February 4, 2006 at 12:00 pm