To whom it doesn’t even concern:

I am writing this letter to indicate to you that I, an employable person, am interested in your company paying me money so I can keep sending checks to my therapist. I am also writing this cover letter to assuage my fear that I’ll never get hired anywhere, so here we are. Truth be told, the description of your company online was so vague that I don’t know exactly what I’m applying for. That being said, given my background and skills, I’d be a perfect fit for the job.

First off, I have all of the generic character traits you listed on your website. I will now recite them to prove to you that I definitely read the application in full, and I am the exact candidate you described: for one, I show undying commitment and follow through. For instance, season after season, I continue to hate-watch the Bachelor franchise, tricking myself into believing these beautiful bland people can still find love on this journey. Every season I’m disappointed — and yet, every season I return. In much the same way, despite most likely hating this job and questioning my life choices daily, I’ll show a commitment to this desk job like it’s Nick Viall’s fourth season.

I also show a passion for the passive aggressive pettiness that’s essential for a functioning office environment. Once, my roommate ate a sweet potato of mine, and ever since I’ve written my name in all caps in Sharpie on my sweet potatoes. Yes, on the skin of the sweet potato. Because of this, I can’t actually eat the sweet potato. I’m essentially now only buying produce to make a point.

I think that kind of follow through to making someone remember one mistake they made months ago is the type of thing your company is looking for. If Deborah — I’m assuming there’s a Deborah in the office — ever uses my mug, I’ll make a new mug with a picture of her using my mug and give one to everyone in the office, and we’ll all laugh at Deb. “Typical Deb,” we’ll say, and we’re off to becoming fast friends, talking about all of Deb’s shortcomings as an employee.

Lastly, I’m an honest person. I think I’ve demonstrated that above. Example: Do I know Microsoft Excel? No, of course not. No one does. But because I’ve told you the truth, you know can trust me. Except with data entry in an Excel spreadsheet. Am I the best for this job? Probably not, but I do bring a great maybe-we-can-do-it attitude.

Listen, I’ll always be there for you. I mean, until a better job aligned with my area of study opens up. But until then, please hire me. And pay me money. I don’t know how many more of these I can write.

Lauren Perlowski is a senior broadcast and digital journalism major. Her column appears biweekly. She can be reached at [email protected].