Orange Bachelorette 2017

Nick Viall’s diary: Stop reminding me how washed-up and scummy I am

Dear Diary,

“Welcome. Or should I say ‘welcome back.’”

I get it. I’ve been around the block a few times by now. But really? Does everyone need to rub it in?

Almost every single girl that got out of that limo had something to say about the fact that I’ve been on this show before. One girl even decided to run up to me and say, “I wasn’t the only runner up.” I was definitely a faster runner than her too.

First, being on this show a lot isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’m higher on the IMDb credits now for it. Second, I deserve love now. Third, I’m hotter now than I was when I started and thus deserve love more. Did you see that shower montage of me at the beginning of the episode?

Even worse were those who mentioned that their friends or love ones hated me — “Hi Nick, nice to meet you, we will never have a future because my mom already hates you.” It’s like they have never seen a movie before. They don’t understand this is supposed to be my redemptive third act. Where I give America the ending they deserve. I know, that felt weird to me when I said it too.

I’ve learned a lot about love in my last few seasons. I loved Andi. I also loved Kaitlyn. I can very quickly form love again and again because I am open to it. It’s my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness.

You want to know the secret to chemistry? Don’t point out the fact that I was an unlikeable loser. And also dance around with your vacuum when you clean. I dig that too, but above all, I dig my male ego still being in check.

Even my boys from The Bachelor Alumni LinkedIn page were giving me crap for it. As if they’re perfect men — you should see the pictures of them in the The Bachelor Alumni Facebook Group, or The Bachelor Alumni GroupMe.

It’s just really aggravating that people would belittle me like this. I don’t want to be a joke to these girls, and especially not to the public. I am an emotionally ept man. Occasionally, I mumble, which I secretly know is endearing but if I act like it’s my biggest flaw, it will cover up the myriad of other things that would actually be more detrimental to sustaining a relationship, such as my undying desire to find love via a TV show.

Anyway, I really do think I am going to find love this year. I deserve it — for me. I’m ready, I’m attractive and I’ve been turned down enough. Oh, and the women this season seem great too. I’m looking forward to keeping you in the loop about it diary — and also you, America.

Sincerely,
Nick the Bachelor (yes, I really am The Bachelor)

P.S. Totally a shark. I heard from Ben who heard from Andi who heard from an executive that ABC bought stock in all the leftover “Left Shark” costumes because memes may die but “The Bachelor” will survive forever.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She will be a mouthpiece for Nick the Bachelor this season. Like Nick, Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or reach her at paterhun@syr.edu.

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