Well everyone, Mercury is in retrograde and my life is consequently in total shambles. My chill vibes have been completely disrupted, which is totally not OK for my balance-craving Libra personality. Or at least, I think it isn’t. I’m not sure. I didn’t actually read my horoscope yet. But I have so many things this month that I’m going to blame on it anyways. Planets are stupid.

For example, my roommate Sahan is kicking my sorry butt in chess. I’d feel more okay with my existence as a little pawn in the grand workings of the universe if I didn’t only have pawns left to play with — but I do. So I hate myself.

Plus, I literally just knocked over the table on my balcony, spilling both my coffee and my beer for them to drip down below onto my child actor neighbor’s head. I’d go down there to apologize, but I don’t think she’ll understand why I’m double-fisting a stimulant and a depressant at 2 p.m. on a Friday because I don’t feel “totally balanced” otherwise.

Don’t even get me started on my love life. Venus is not looking out for me this month, no way. Let’s just say I’ve downloaded greater than or equal to six dating apps and the only matches I have are with the sponsored ads. So, maybe I should see “Bridget Jones’s Baby” this weekend — it might be mine.

But I’ll probably just stay in and watch Netflix. I haven’t had a chance to watch “Stranger Things” yet. Sure, I could do that instead of my nightly half-hour cry, but Sahan’s now beating me in Words With Friends, too, and I just can’t handle such humiliating defeats. I’ll totally play better when Mercury stops messing with my mojo.

Also, I haven’t seen a dog in like, days. What’s up with that?

But mostly, I blame my horoscope for my stagnant career. I’ve been working the same dead-end job as a student for fifteen years now, and where has that gotten me? I know nine times seven is twenty-five and that midi-chlorians are the powerhouse of the cell, but that’s it.

So guys, be like me. Since I made the decision that everything is my horoscope’s fault, I’ve felt so much better about myself. Nothing can ever possibly be my own error. Mercury’s in retrograde, so my moral obligation of kindness towards humanity is out the window. Don’t ask me for any favors; don’t expect me to watch you at that open mic. I’m a better performer than you, anyway. I just can’t do my act this time because it’s a full moon and there’s still a slim chance I might be a werewolf. I gotta blame the moon. Always blame the moon. Always.

Ian McCourt is a senior television/radio/film major who campaigns door-to-door for Pluto’s reinstatement as a planet. You can follow him on twitter @OrderInMcCourt or reach him at [email protected].

Published on September 19, 2016 at 7:43 pm

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