To my lovely readers,
I have not been straightforward with everything about myself. There are aspects of my character that we haven’t examined yet in this column, and they should be addressed: you see, I am a millennial, and I am ruining everything.

I’ve been ruining things for a while now. To be honest, it’s kind of my specialty. You name it; I’m trying to ruin it. The Olympics? Sure. Vacations? Hate ‘Em. The Soap Industry?

Actually, I am a classic soap guy, so I can’t take credit for that one. But it’s hurting, baby.

You get it. I ruin everything. My work is well-established. I have toppled industries and befuddled executives. So I’d like to confess some things that I, as a millennial, am just so absolutely guilty of. Forgive me, Clint Eastwood, for I have sinned.

1. I destroy traditional television sets in my free time.
Me and the guys head down to the quarry with some hammers and cut some cords, know what I’m saying?

2. I don’t go bowling too often.
Sad but true.

3. My iPhone is too big for my hand.
We weren’t designed for each other. I drop that sucker. But I’m gonna keep it anyway. I love snapchat.

4. The last time I bought a calendar was the ’07 “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.”
I drew hearts around Emma Watson and never wrote any events in it besides my birthday.

5. My Go-Gurt consumption has dramatically decreased.
It’s been a tough few quarters for Go-Gurt in the McCourt household. Who’s to say for Fiscal Year 17? Ian McCourt, never ceasing to damage our staple businesses in America.

6. I’ve never seen “Gone With the Wind.”
Just hasn’t happened. Come on, it came out before my parents were born. Lot of stuff has been going on since then. I’ve wanted to see other things. It’ll happen someday. I just don’t know when.

7. I eat pasta at least like, four times a week.
With tomato sauce and parmesan cheese. A sprinklin’ of pepper perhaps. I’ll get out the pesto if I’m feeling fancy. I don’t often get to be fancy.

8. I forgot what a “Walkman” was once.
Arguably the greatest advancement of the music industry in the pre-iPod era … perfect for trips to the dentist and showing your friends that, yeah, you do know how to party like it’s 1996. The good ol’ days.

9. Not a big avocado guy.
This one probably will make me some enemies. I’m not about the cado-guacamole sensation that’s swept the nation. It’s overrated. Tasty, yet unessential. Extra? No thanks.

10. I actually own every major corporate bank in America and plotted the disastrous results of the housing bubble in 2008 during my free time in between homeroom and geography in the seventh grade.
Bernie Madoff and I were cafeteria buddies and I also was President George W. Bush’s youngest-ever senior foreign policy advisor at seven years old. Everything’s just my fault, pretty much. That’s what millennials do.

Ian McCourt is a senior television, radio and film major who misses the good old days when machines knew their place and kept their opinions to themselves. You can follow him on twitter @OrderInMcCourt or reach him at [email protected].

Published on September 12, 2016 at 10:00 pm