Hello lovely readers. I’m so delighted to start this column. It’s going to be a great opportunity to have some fun and tackle some of the issues facing this great nation. We’re going to make a difference, readers. So let’s get down to business and address what needs to be addressed: A giant ball pit needs to be installed in the Schine Student Center. I will not back down from this.

It’s no Victoria’s Secret that winter at Syracuse University can be drab and depressing. Seasonal affective disorder is real and, according to the following educated guess, it affects between 1 and 100 percent of SU students each year.

I know. I’m scared too.

Those numbers are frightening, and frankly, we have an epidemic on our hands. Now is time for the call to action.

This is why I’m personally calling on Student Association to invest $1,000,000 toward installing a ball pit into the middle of Schine. With elections coming up, why is no one talking about this? Someone’s got to be a hero. I am offended at the lack of student activism on this issue.

Not convinced?  Picture this: Schine Student Center.

Now imagine Schine Student Center with a big, colorful ball pit right in the middle of Panasci Lounge. Isn’t that sick? Seriously, we should do this.

Ball pits are scientifically proven to be “dope.” You can’t be sad in a ball pit. I’ve only cried in a ball pit once, and it’s because I had to leave the ball pit.

No human relationship has ever fulfilled me in nearly the same way. The next best thing was the only time my dad ever told me he loved me, and it was in a ball pit. Think about the power of that moment.  We need that kind of unequivocal joy during the cold winter months here on the Hill.

While $1,000,000 may seem a little much, the benefits would be insurmountable.

Students would be able to blow off steam in a healthy, constructive way. A decline in substance abuse is guaranteed.

To help offset the cost, we can make the ball pit a real resource for the city. It could serve as a daycare, or we can rent it out for events, like bar mitzvahs. Remember what Moses said to Ramses: “Let my people go to the ball pit.”

It’s a place where singles can meet and develop meaningful relationships. When people share balls, they share memories.

And if this is as successful as it will be, Schine can be remodeled into one giant ball pit.

So, to President Aysha Seedat and those who wish to follow her, don’t you care about the well being of this student body? Let’s make a ballsy investment in the future.

Ian McCourt is a junior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly in Pulp. You can reach him at [email protected] or follow him @OrderInMcCourt on Twitter.

Published on March 7, 2016 at 8:39 pm