Juniors Mark Leggen and Andrew Carmone are finding out the hard way that Syracuse University’s philosophy curriculum covers a broad spectrum of topics, but effectively cohabitating with other human beings isn’t one of them.

The pair alleges that their roommate, philosophy major Philip Hall, consistently uses what he learns in his SU coursework to shirk domestic responsibilities in their South Campus apartment.

“He keeps telling me he doesn’t respond to ad hominem attacks, and I’m like ‘Phil, I don’t know what that means—just put your plate in the dishwasher.’ He’s gotten even worse with this conference coming up,” said Carmone, who has been roommates with Hall since they shared a room in Day Hall freshman year.

Plates can be found in the hallway, wet bread was found in the bathroom sink, and even neighbors have complained about the smell emitting from Hall’s room.

Carmone contends there has been a strong correlation between the amount of household tasks there are to complete and the amount of Nietzsche Hall reads.

“All he does is sit around and ask me, ‘But what does it all mean?’ if I ask him to take out the trash,” Carmone said. “If you ask me, it means Mark and I are getting a double in Park Point senior year.”

“Yeah we’re pretty sure it’s all just an elaborate rouse,” Leggen said. “Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not even like he’s depressed and going through some sort of existential crisis. He sits on the couch giggling his way through a few seasons of ‘Summer Heights High,’ but then as soon as you ask him to do anything he snaps into his routine of accusing us of anecdotal fallacies. We can’t Google the terms fast enough to do anything about it.”

The conference Carmone mentioned is the International Philosophy Conference, which will be held at SU Sept. 18-20. The conference, featuring keynote addresses by renowned philosophers from University of Michigan and UCLA, will purportedly tackle pressing philosophical issues facing the SU community.

They include, but are not limited to, whether Chuck’s burgers are only amazing because you only eat them when you’re drunk and why it makes sense to have a bike lane running through campus that will be rendered unusable by the weather in two months.

Hall himself was unable to be reached for comment for this story as he recently began a vow of silence leading up to the conference.

His roommates contend the vow began this Sunday afternoon so Phil wouldn’t have to explain his egregiously high credit card bill to his irate father.

“We’ve been on the phone with his parents for a few weeks plotting some way combat his scheme,” Leggen said. “Right now we’re shopping around for a philosophy grad student to join our crew so they can poke holes in Phil’s nonsense.”

Carmone said he’s excited about the possibility of learning more at the conference this weekend to combat Hall.

“We’re pretty sure he’s making up terms at this point; we just need someone around to prove it. We think the International Philosophy Conference this weekend will be the perfect chance to brush up on some philosophical theories,” Carmone said. “Otherwise we’ll probably just get a maid. Actually, the more I think about it, a maid would solve a lot of our problems. We can just put it on Phil’s credit card; it’s not like his dad can do anything about it.”

Evan Hohenwarter is a senior advertising major who is almost as modest as he is handsome. He can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter at @evanhohmbre.

Published on September 15, 2015 at 9:28 pm