A lot of you have been complaining about the lack of social media presence in this column. Danny, it’s not hip enough, you say. Danny, it needs more hash tags, Danny, stop crying. Well guess what, I stopped crying long enough to bring you guys my very own social media tutorial. I don’t think enough kids on this campus know how to use social media, which is a very important life skill (it’s why I don’t respect infants or the elderly).

I’ll break it down by social media site.

Facebook
First, once you get the account, you must agree to the status frequency contract, which states that one can only post on Facebook A) 3-5 times today or B) once every eight months, with no in-between. Statuses are limited to five categories: politics, accepting a new job, complaining about how tired you are, posting pictures of babies and, of course, college acceptance statuses.

Facebook has many other functions that can be used (or ignored). There is a ‘poke’ function that can only be accessed when drunk at 2 a.m. when you are thinking about your high school crush. Additionally, in order to maintain your Facebook account, it is required that you change your profile picture once a month, and you’re given an additional 10 “Zuckerbucks” if you change your picture to yourself looking away from the camera. Zuckerbucks roughly translate to 1/100 of a dollar. But don’t worry, if you collect a million Zuckerbucks, you are allowed to unlock Facebook Messenger (limited to the U.S., Canada and Puerto Rico).

Twitter
You are given 140 characters to say whatever it is you are thinking in that exact moment. These tweets are not meant to be thought out, these are snap decisions that you should regret. If you aren’t saying something offensive, you aren’t trying hard enough.

For jokes, Twitter is your go-to format. These jokes should preferably be told as a narrative over a series of tweets, it allows your followers to engage with you over the course of minutes while allowing that d*ck joke to really pay off.

Twitter is the ultimate phone application in order to ignore another person. With a never-ending stream of tweets that are probably important (since Twitter is 100 percent factual), you can stop any unpleasant conversation by diving deep into a sea of hashtags like a millennial Uncle Scrooge. Don’t worry it’s not rude, you just have better things to do.

Snapchat
The ultimate goal of this application is to make other people jealous, plain and simple. It’s everyone’s God-given right to tell their “My Story,” and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. These stories should be portraits of a day in the life, imagine this is the only way you can interact with the outside world. If by nightfall it is under 300 seconds, did you even really live?

On selfies, you know the drill by now. iPhones have been programmed to permit selfies only if they are taken at a high angle. Don’t try another way, I once took a selfie from my hip and my phone exploded due to excess double chin.

Instagram
I don’t have one, so I guess keep posting pictures of that latte.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. He is a #millennial if you didn’t know already. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on September 22, 2015 at 8:32 pm