After Week 1 of the NFL Season, we all know that it is essentially over. Every team’s identity has been sealed and nothing will change from now until December. So here are the initial reactions for every NFL team this campaign. They are set in stone and cannot be changed unless given written consent from the National Football League. For every team that is 0-1, better luck next year.

Arizona Cardinals: Carson Palmer throws for three touchdowns, ready to claim his first MVP award.

Atlanta Falcons: Julio Jones accepts Superman role in “Man of Steel 2.”

Baltimore Ravens: Damn, ESPN was just about to crown Joe Flacco elite.

Buffalo Bills: Look out football world, the new AFC East dynasty has arrived, and its leader is into feet.

Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton is stranded worse than Tom Hanks in “Cast Away”

Chicago Bears: Jay Cutler throws pick, autumn leaves begin to fall in Chicago.

Cincinnati Bengals: The most dominant team to never win a playoff game.

Cleveland Browns: Cleveland stay Cleveland.

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo erases ghosts of that time when everyone forgot he has always been a great quarterback.

Denver Broncos: Peyton Manning usurps “noodle arm” title from John Beck.

Detroit Lions: *puts on brown paper bag*

Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers asks for fewer weapons to “even competition.”

Houston Texans: J.J. Watt destroys three planets en route to another losing season.

Indianapolis Colts: Veteran offensive signings fail to help defense.

Jacksonville Jaguars: I don’t know, T.J. Yeldon is a thing right?

Kansas City Chiefs: Alex Smith admits fear of throwing to wide receivers.

Miami Dolphins: No one knows what to do about Ryan Tannehill (rinse, repeat).

Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson comes back and offense explodes for 3 points.

New England Patriots: THEY CHEATED THEY CHEA— oh wait, who cares anymore?

New Orleans Saints: NFL Gods officially pronounce Drew Brees “over the hill.”

New York Giants: The Giants collapse under Tom Coughlin (rinse, repeat).

New York Jets: Jets offense soars under QB with jaw intact.

Oakland Raiders: Raiders looking to give JaMarcus Russell a workout.

Philadelphia Eagles: Chip Kelly’s offense is not enough to win in the NFL.

Pittsburgh Steelers: A physical steel curtain could defend better.

St. Louis Rams: Nick Foles proves he is the quarterback the Rams have been waiting for not named Sam Bradford.

San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers leads offense to regular season win.

San Francisco 49ers: Carlos Hyde is the new Emmitt Smith.

Seattle Seahawks: Just punt it on 4th and 1 from now on.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Jameis Winston anointed next Ryan Leaf.

Tennessee Titans: Marcus Mariota’s bust in Canton being built.

Washington Redskins: Have yet to change name, have yet to win games.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. His favorite team is the New York Giants, so there’s that. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on September 15, 2015 at 11:02 pm