The NBA Finals are upon us, or as that one annoying guy at work calls it “LeBron’s Annual Choke Job.” The Larry O’Brien Trophy is on the line, but since both the Warriors and Cavaliers won easily, there’s plenty of time to discuss the matchups. But let’s leave that to the suits in Washington.

This NBA Finals Preview is all about off the floor. In Bill Simmons’ “The Book of Basketball” he revealed to the world that the secret of basketball is in fact everything besides the game of basketball. This makes perfect sense to me, it’s like how cooking is all about British people screaming at you.

So here we go completely uncut, all natural, arbitrary categories. Like basketball, the winner of this preview is the one with the most points. No ties, because I don’t know how to tie one.

Team with the Cutest Podium Baby: Have to start with the obvious here. If there is any baby on this planet with a better cute to sassy ratio than Riley Curry, they must be from another planet. Sous-chef Curry has taken the playoffs by storm. This category should be worth all the points, but we’ll settle for one. Warriors 1, Cavs 0

Player Most Likely to Go Out the Night Before the Finals: Another obvious one here. J.R. Smith would go out the night his child was born. He is to nightclubs what the sun is to Earth — he might even process alcohol via photosynthesis. Doesn’t matter what time it is or if there is a game the next day, J.R. Swish is going to get his. Shout out to the Captain of the Sunglasses and Advil All Stars. Warriors 1, Cavs 1

Coach Who Looks Most Like Lord Voldemort: David Blatt and his lack of a nose win this one. Only a powerful wizard such as Blatt could get to the NBA Finals in his first year after surviving, err, I mean, coaching in Russia for decades. No one in these playoffs has made breathing look like more of a struggle. But don’t get confused, Sepp Blatter is still the real life Lord Voldemort. Cavs 2, Warriors 1

Most Likely to Be Indecisive About Headbands: LeBron James lands this point for his never-ending will they won’t they. Like Ted and Robin, LeBron and his headband just don’t see eye to eye on the things that matter: kids, work life, retaining sweat. He needs to make up his mind before it becomes the catastrophic locker room distraction that “First Take” has been pining for. Cavs 3, Warriors 1

Most Likely to Be Cast as Groot in the next “Guardians of the Galaxy”: Andrew Bogut is an Australian menace. You never know if he’s going to get more rebounds or fouls on any given night. And his facial hair looks like Bigfoot grew a playoff beard. He gooned past Anthony Davis, the Grizzlies and Dwight Howard. Now it’s time to finish the job. Cavs 3, Warriors 2

Player with the Coolest Nickname: Harrison Barnes in a freaking runaway. His nickname is the Black Falcon. I could only hope to get a last name that is even in the conversation of coolness. Most people call me by my last name, and no one will bite on “The White Minx.” Cavs 3, Warriors 3

Most Likely to Get Cursed by the Based God: The only category that even matters. In all honesty, I can’t believe they’re even playing this series. It’s already over. Lil B continues to wreak havoc on the National Basketball Association like Jordan in his prime. I can’t bet against the Based God, that’s like asking to voluntarily to jump in front of a Mack Truck—if that Mack Truck had terrible flow and did the cooking dance. Cavs 3, Warriors Infinity

So there you have it, the Golden State Warriors will be your NBA champions. I award you no points, and may the Based God have mercy on your soul.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television, radio and film major. Basketball isn’t his favorite sport, but he likes the way they dribble up and down the court. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on June 2, 2015 at 11:20 pm