Jack Donaghy once told me, “If you’re not capitalizing on what’s hot now, then you’re missing out, also your fly is down.” I have taken this advice to heart with everything I do. It’s no coincidence that “Modern Family” is a hit and that I now have a new Columbian stepmom.

What’s hot now? Well, if you’re listening to the radio, apparently every song that was in “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which got me thinking, why isn’t there a guy version of this stuff? The following is from an upcoming book I’m self-publishing. Thanks to Just Blaze and the good folks at Rock-a-fella records for sponsoring this venture into the male psyche. Be warned, this might get a little fire emoji:

**

Danny takes two steps into his bedroom before he sees her. She’s beautiful. She’s everything he’s ever wanted. She is long-legged, about his height and wearing nothing but a long cover. She doesn’t have to say anything; her sheer sexual force pulls him in from the door. Her pillows look voluptuous, body sturdy like an ox.

This is the nap Danny has been waiting for.

He looks fierce, angry and ready to pounce: like an incredibly well-dressed cheetah. He gazes at his bed from head to toe, making sure he sees everything. He takes a deep breath to collect his thoughts, he knows how much this can take out of him—he’s just one man after all. Will he have enough raw sexual energy to get the job done?

In an instant he takes his aim, and jumps in.

What occurs next can only be described as complete and utter euphoria. Danny rolls around in the covers like a human Cinnabon, totally embracing his true desires. He feels free for the first time since the nap he took yesterday. He grabs the left pillow and caresses it against his cheek, letting out a relaxed sigh as he places his head beneath a Tempur-Pedic treasure from the Gods. He begins to remove his 37-piece Armani Italian suit, preparing to fall into her arms forever.

**

Danny wakes up and feels refreshed, like a cool glass of water after sex in the Sahara, which I’m sure is awesome if you survive. He sensually rubs his eyes and begins to slowly put his clothes back on. He fumbles with his belt, a little embarrassed; he falls over as he tries to put back on one of his socks. He is completely vulnerable in front of her.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asks.

Danny waits a moment and then leaves, peaking behind the closing door to look at his lover one last time before he returns to do other sexy things.

Seeing that he is a trillionaire, Danny has nothing planned for the rest of the day, because trillionaires cancel their meetings as if they were invitations to a NASCAR-fan-only after-party. He stares out of the window of his 100th floor New York City bang palace and gazes among the glory of his accomplishments. He is King of the World.

But all of a sudden a burning desire attacks Danny’s loins. A growl that sounds like a dying supermodel seal erupts from his stomach like the baby alien at the end of “Aliens.” He knows this feeling, wanting so bad it hurts. It’s what led him to earn multiple billions of dollars and become the youngest man to own 500 beer pong tables.

He lets out an audible groan and collects his thoughts. This is a one-man game of telephone, and Danny whispers his sexy secret:

“Pizza…”

He seductively pulls out his phone and begins to dial. But as soon as he begins, he realizes the error of his ways. A man’s dream waits in the fridge: cold pizza waiting to be heated by the mouth of a worthy man.

He gallops to the fridge—galloping is the official stride of trillionaires—and opens the fridge. Without asking, his butler, Michael Caine, sets a porcelain dish in the $350,000 microwave with surround sound. Danny places a slice from his favorite shop: “Italian Guy’s First Name.”

He is about to push the start on the microwave when all of a sudden he hears a knock at the door. It couldn’t be the new Bugatti; Michael Caine hasn’t even left the house yet. What it is he doesn’t know, but it’s probably something very, very sexy.

Danny Cuneo is a senior television radio and film major. He once played pickup basketball with Christian Grey. He can be reached at [email protected].

Published on June 13, 2015 at 1:40 pm