The Oscars probably seem like an event worth skipping.

It’s a whole lot of super rich people, dressed in expensive clothing that costs roughly as much as your student loan, being awkwardly teased by another rich person whose only job is to make fun of them for the night. And they’re drinking champagne and Cristal while you’re drinking Natty Ice every time there’s a nipple shown — there are always plenty of nipples at the Oscars.

It can put life in harsh perspective, to say the least.

But this is the year for Syracuse University students to embrace the Oscars with open arms — or, at least, appreciate the films nominated for best picture.  There’s a little something for everybody.

For all of you engineers who have a sexy date night lined up soon — which I can safely assume is all engineers— might I recommend “Gravity?” Especially for you, you aerospace engineering hotties. With George Clooney and Sandra Bullock flying around, there’s certainly enough eye candy to start making things a little hot and heavy. And what’s sexier than explaining to your date how the communications satellites in the movie are at a completely erroneous distance from the shuttle’s orbit to have these events ever take place? Nothing. There is literally nothing sexier than that.

The “Wolf of Wall Street” is really the movie every Whitman student desperately needs to see. Let me speak on behalf of every other student on campus — we get it. You’re going to make more money than us, and it’s awesome that Bill Gates was your neighbor and used to babysit you. All the guys want to be you, and all the girls think your cardigans and boat shoes are super sexy. But just be careful never to be that guy — you’ll be just one fraudulent scheme away from taking too many Quaaludes and wrecking your gorgeous Ferrari on the way home from hanging out with Jonah Hill.

I have a question for all art history majors, both at SU and elsewhere — what is your end game? It could totally be the case that you chose the world’s best-kept secret for most lucrative major. But if you have the same concerns I do, you should be rooting for “American Hustle” this year. This movie offers a great financial plan for those with some artistic historical understanding: what’s a little bit of forgery between friends? And sleeping with Christian Bale or Jennifer Lawrence should be the ultimate goal of any human.

For any underclassmen who happen to be sleeping with a professor at this moment (get some) who is very much your senior, maybe it’s time that you watch a little film called “Nebraska.” Getting a B instead of an A in that class might be the right way to go on this one. Stick with people your own age for now, kiddos.

Since “Captain Phillips” is a best picture nominee about pirates starring Tom Hanks, I don’t think I really need to cater this one to any particular group. Let me put it this way: if you hate excitement, and you hate really talented people, I guess you shouldn’t see this movie. Also, let me know who you are so that we never hang out and watch movies together.

“12 Years a Slave” looks like a genuinely moving movie, and I will say this is atop my list of best picture films to see. Although I do think Brad Pitt tries a little too hard to be a serious actor. We all know you’re more than just a pretty face, Brad. Let it go. Let. It. Go.

Try some of these on for size in preparation for this weekend, or maybe watch “Philomena,” “Dallas Buyers Club” and “Her” (maybe after the last one, you can play a round of “which of my friends is most likely to have sex with an imaginary woman.”) After all, the best time to binge-watch feature-length films is right before midterm week.

Chelsea DeBaise is a senior writing major. She has a shameless crush on Jennifer Lawrence and will be rooting for her success this weekend in all that she does. Chelsea’s column appears every Thursday in Pulp. She can be reached via email at [email protected] or on Twitter @CDeBaise124. 

Published on February 27, 2014 at 1:00 am