While on a trip to the gastroenterologist last week, I spent an absurd amount of time in the waiting room. I passed the time watching the HLN network “discuss” Lindsay Lohan’s latest decision to wait until Coachella ended before entering rehab.

Right then and there, I decided that I, too, needed a change of pace, and decided to stand in solidarity with my gluten-free amigos by drinking Woodchuck Hard Cider instead of beer.

I’m not accustomed to drinking cider, and after spending some time researching, I started to forget that I was not drinking beer. This resulted in a series of pleasant surprises that must have appeared to be supremely intelligent to observers.

The best part was that I woke up relatively hangover-free the next morning. Considering the high sugar content, this was a gift from the Great Drunkards in the Sky. May they smile down upon you, too, when you imbibe the nectar of the gluten-intolerant.

I picked up a variety pack from Tops Friendly Markets that contained four choices: Amber, Granny Smith, 802 Dark & Dry and Crisp. Crisp was included as the brewer’s choice and the other three are available year-round. The concept of a seasonal apple cider is silly, because all apples are harvested at the same time.

Despite calling itself a variety pack, I don’t think I could consistently pick out any of these ciders in a blind taste test.

Woodchuck’s three core ciders are described as “crisp and refreshing,” “smooth and refreshing” and “tart and refreshing.” These cider masters stretch their adjectives even further by describing Amber as “crisp and refreshing” and then including a cider called Crisp. That’s a significant amount of overlap right from the get-go. I challenge anyone to match those descriptions to their respective ciders without looking.

In general, Crisp is a major letdown. It tastes like all of Lindsay Lohan’s post-“Mean Girls” film credits without the fun of having a cocaine habit. It’s only 3.2-percent alcohol by volume. I have limited bladder space, and that is just not worth my time. The three core ciders are all 5 percent alcohol by volume. They must have put less thought into that decision than LiLo put into playing Liz Taylor.

But I’m channeling my negative feelings toward this Lohan hatred because I don’t want to get too down on Woodchuck. The honest truth is that knocking back 10 of these is a great way to get drunk. The cider lords’ marketing department printed the word “refreshing” on each case 16,000 times because cider is so drinkable. You could finish one in the amount of time it takes to change the channel after stumbling upon a showing of “Herbie: Fully Loaded” on basic cable.

Each cider brings a slight variation of the same basic flavor palette, contributing to a pleasant drinking experience. Still, every time I got around to a bottle of Crisp, I would feel slightly unfulfilled. Just knowing there was that 1.8-percent alcohol by volume missing left a hole in my heart similar to the one from when my second-grade teacher had to get knee surgery and was replaced with a substitute for three months.

Scarring childhood events aside, occasionally, it’s going to be nice outside for the next couple of weeks. You could do a lot worse than picking up some of these — like auditioning to play guitar for Lindsay Lohan’s comeback tour next summer.

Published on April 16, 2013 at 10:53 pm

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