The start of baseball season is an exciting time of the year for people who think Bud Light should cost $11 a “pint.” To pass the time until my fantasy team’s inevitable seventh-or-worse finish, I day-drink. My goal is to obscure the view of my empty trophy case with equally empty bottles and cans. If you get tired of America’s pastime, check out the start of the College Day Drinking Season by walking down Euclid Avenue on any day with more than 10 minutes of sun.

As you start spring training, you’re going to want to take it easy at first, and like all forms of physical activity, it is important to be mindful of one’s limits: No more than seven beers per hour. The liver is a muscle, after all. Talk to your trainer. They should gear your conditioning regimen to peak after Syracuse is projected to have consecutive sunny days sometime in late August.

There’s no one right way to day-drink. However, there are more wrong ways than bad decisions at Chuck’s Café after 1:30 a.m. We all know someone who is unlikely to be vertical by the time Ke$ha — or even Earl Sweatshirt — takes the stage at Block Party. If you want to make sure you’re part of the glittered masses huddled beneath Lady Loose-morals, follow these five rules:

1) Malt liquor is an appetizer, not dessert. Mike’s Hard Lemonade will give you a hangover whenever you drink it. Forty ounces of beer-like substitute is a whole new ball game. If you want to play Edward 40-hands instead of going to your Friday, 10:35 a.m. recitation, so be it. But if you’re already a six-pack and a tall boy of Bud Light Platinum deep, don’t send out a mass text getting a game together.

2) Plan B. If you’re out of beer, don’t steal your snooty roommate’s craft six-pack. Instead, hide a stash of beer while you’re still sober that you can begin to refrigerate when your brews run low.

3) Even if the sun’s not, you should be out. Everyone has hidden indoors long enough. If you aren’t going to do work, be proud and show the world.

4) Be monogamous. If you tell more than one person you love them, take a break. Your exes thank you in advance.

5) Home run or no run. If you’re day-drinking, you really should be doing something productive, like a physics experiment about applying forces on Ping-Pong balls to land in cups. When you’re practicing science, always go for the win, even if it means six straight rebuttals for overtime. This applies to all drinking games: If you’re playing Kan Jam, either get it in the slot or go home.

I’m not advocating missing class in favor of day-drinking. I’m just saying you can day-drink to your heart’s content and call a timeout, if necessary. And by calling a timeout, I mean go to class the way your philosophy professor has since 1973: hammered.

Published on April 9, 2013 at 10:17 pm

Contact Dylan: [email protected]