I nodded when he passed me his phone. In the photo, they were a big, round handful. They had perfect areolas, with no rogue nipple hair in sight. He told me when life was hard, he used to squeeze his head between those lovely lumps and the world was a good place. His shoulders slumped as he stared, his tongue hanging limp like a dog. He loved his girlfriend, but he loved sex and his ex’s boobs more.

In a sex-with-an-ex study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research in 2012, researchers found nearly half of the 792 17-24-year-olds questioned got back with an ex, and more than half of them had sex as a part of the make-up process.

My friend is so guilty of “ex-sex” that he should be jailed. He has upgraded phones about three times since they broke up years ago, but her boobs are still in his photo gallery. He has had ex-sex with her on and off ever since, even though she has become a cokehead in the process and her boobs are drooping.

Everyone will get there at some point: The relationship is over but you end up pulling their grubby underwear down for one last glorious time, only to wake up the next morning and realize you’ve prostituted your integrity. There are many reasons why people regurgitate exes, and a million more reasons not to. Here’s a quick rundown, with some assistance from Urban Dictionary.

1) Mac-and-Cheese Sex: Much like your granny’s best pasta bake, there’s something comforting about that weird mole on his penis. Can you actually hear yourself? It’s time to buck up. First, moles aren’t comforting, and second, “safe sex,” in this instance, is not good for your health. And was this pathetic mac-and-cheese sex ever a healthy relationship? Relationships high in conflict and low in trust are more likely to lead to ex-sex, researchers found, which says horrific things about the joy of self-destructive behavior.

2) Retro-shag: Doing someone for “old times sake” is an offshoot of mac-and-cheese sex where you’re not craving her body, but have a quasi-sisterly affection for her, so why not?

3) S(ex) Dream: Oh, you’re so good, yes, right there, baby. Five minutes later, you wake up to Nelly singing, “It was only just a dream” on Pandora, your penis is making a tent from under your comforter and you’re very much alone in your bedroom. S(ex) dreams can leave you gasping for what you used to have, but check if you’re dreaming with your rose-colored glasses on.

4) Relapse Sex: Much like a drug addict, you may have gone on a celibacy crusade to get over your ex, leaving you sex-starved and hungry for anyone. Then your ex texts, “Hi” and your chastity belt is broken within the hour. Here’s a thought: While rebound sex with a random isn’t always a great move, it could function as ex methadone.

5) STI Sex: Researchers found that about 60 percent of couples that break up, then have ex-sex, will sleep with someone else in the interim. Contraceptive use declines during a relationship as trust builds, researchers found, therefore, the chance of someone contracting an STI, then having unprotected sex with their ex, is higher. Eek! Time to condomize.

6) Sine-Wave Sex: It’s an oldie but a goodie – make-up sex rocks your socks. Researchers found that younger people tend to cycle through a relationship, going through multiple make-ups and break-ups the way people in a marriage can’t do, without owing their life in legal fees. The rough and tumble of fighting and f*cking is intoxicating and increases ex-sex potential, researchers found.

If you love your ex-girlfriend’s boobs even half as much as my friend, ask yourself three questions before having ex-sex: Was it even that good? Will I feel like a terrible person afterward? Will I catch something?

If your answers are yes, no, no: f*ck on.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology major. She’s steering clear of ex-sex to avoid catching the clap. Email her at [email protected], follow her on Twitter, and visit her website www.ionaholloway.com.

Published on March 20, 2013 at 2:15 am