Every day, life is ruined by a poo in cubicle two. On campus, at some point in the day or night, someone forgets to flush. Ten minutes later, an innocent victim bolts from the cubicle they’ve just dropped their pants in, horror on their face due to the sight of someone else’s feces.

There is a social stigma stuck on poo, and rightly so. A fart interrupting an awkward silence on a first date should not lead to poop chat. But within the safety of the Sex and Health column, let’s forget the cloak and daggers and answer the question on everyone’s lips: How do you go about laying what integrative nutritionist Shannon Morehouse calls a “golden banana”?

Pooping is the final step of the digestive process, where waste product leaves the body through the anus. According to Sarah Goodman’s book, “The Truth About Poop,” the average person produces one ounce of poop for every 12 pounds of body weight daily, meaning the average man poops about a pound a day.

On principle, sh*t stinks. And so it should. Smelly deposits in public bathrooms are unfortunate, but it just means the bacteria in the gut and intestines are doing their job in the digestive process, according to WebMD.

When it comes to color, if you’re pooping brown log shapes, you’re on the money. Bile from the liver is responsible for the brown color of feces — although eating beetroot can have you sh*tting rubies, Morehouse says.

It takes about three days for the food you eat to meet its watery fate in the toilet bowl, according to WebMD. If your eat-to-poop turnaround is faster, poo may be more green in color, so don’t be alarmed by your bowel’s early nod to St. Paddy’s Day. Any black poo (normally tar-like) may indicate internal bleeding, according to WebMD. A trip to the doctor is a must.

When it comes to frequency, Morehouse says at least once a day is preferable. However, consistency is key, according to the Everyday Health website. You can help your digestive tract out by eating foods high in fiber, Morehouse says. Whole grain cereal or bread, as well as whole fruits, vegetables and nuts, are a solid choice. Prune juice also works if you can stomach it.

Drastic changes in your poop schedule mean you might be flipping the constipation or diarrhea coin. Both are equally uncomfortable conditions, but help is at hand.

“Adding ground flaxseed to cereals is an easy way to help aid bowel movements,” Morehouse says. “For people who are chronically constipated, I advise them to take magnesium, which is a muscle relaxant and will help them to ‘go.’”

The Everyday Health website calls diarrhea “stool on speed,” caused by anything from stomach viruses to lactose intolerance. If loose poo strikes, be sure to drink an ocean of water to avoid dehydration.

But what if you’re popping out poop that could moonlight as a flotation aid? Poop that doesn’t sink indicates high fat content caused by malabsorption in the digestive tract, a classic sign of celiac disease (gluten intolerance), according to Everyday Health.

Spending time reading a novel or a dirty magazine while you squeeze is also not advisable. Anal cushions, sensing pressure in the abdomen, naturally fill with blood to stop leaks, Dr. David Gutman, founder and lead physician of Advanced Hemorrhoid Specialists, told Esquire magazine.

Sitting for extended periods of time on the toilet can stretch these cushions, causing hemorrhoids – bleeding, itching and tissue falling out your hole ensues.

In a word, “ouch.”

And for health’s sake, wash your hands. Research by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine and Queen Mary, University of London, found that one in every six phones is contaminated with poop.

That’s enough poop sharing for one week, so to those responsible for poo in cubicle two… just flush.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology major. She’s over this sh*t. Email her at [email protected] or check out her website, www.ionaholloway.com.

Published on February 20, 2013 at 12:17 am