Beer Bites

Beer bites: Bud Ice, Bud Light Platinum, Molson, Keystone

Saturday night, after Syracuse’s loss to Georgetown, I walked into Graby’s numb with despair and seeking comfort in the malty boudoir of some saucy wench of a brew.

I surveyed my options and decided this evening would be an exercise in liver punishment. The thought hadn’t left my mind since I left the Carrier Dome hours earlier — if I had just cheered louder, they would have made all of those 3s. They would have made ALL of those 3s. Clearly, I needed to shake things up. As a change of pace, I bought everything I had never bothered to buy: Bud Ice, Bud Light Platinum, Fosters, Molson Canadian and Keystone.

You might be wondering what the difference is between Bud Ice and Bud Light Platinum, but neither of these beers deserves a spot in your rotation. In fact, there is, quite literally, no reason to drink Bud Ice. Ever. I say this because it tastes really bad. If you were to pour out roughly one-third of a Budweiser and refill it with your least favorite malt liquor, you’d have Bud Ice. If that hasn’t sold you on trying something else, Bud Ice is only 5.5 percent alcohol by volume. Bud Ice also costs exactly the same as Bud Light Platinum. Bud Light Platinum’s entire selling point is the 6 percent abv, and the bottle looks like Saratoga water and tastes just like sweet water. You don’t have to be a human calculator to figure this one out. You can drink these bad boys all night, but I wouldn’t want to. However, Bud Ice makes a great gift for frenemies.

I don’t have a lot of things to say about Fosters, at least not in an American accent. However, I will gladly speak at length while pretending to be Bruce the shark from “Finding Nemo.” I was pleasantly surprised with Fosters, despite learning it is brewed in Texas and not actually down under. Fosters is technically a pale lager, but really tastes like what you imagine the generic beer actors drink on television. The big takeaway from Fosters is that it is 5.2 percent abv, and is too big for your beer cozy. That shouldn’t deter you from giving Fosters a try, you can always use a catcher’s mitt.

Molson Canadian is appropriately named because it compares to LaBatt’s America. It tastes fine, but is a dollar more than a six-pack of pounders of Blue or Blue Light. Molson is 5 percent abv but tastes like 8 percent, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I have nothing to say about Keystone Light other than that I noticed the beer cozy I purchased at Walmart this summer was designed with the girth of a ‘Stone in mind. I appreciate that.

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    Wasn’t Bruce the shark Australian?

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