‘Fast and Furious’Directed by: Justin LinStarring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordanna BrewsterC-

‘Fast and Furious’: An ode to Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel (‘Pitch Black,’ ‘xXx’) is the manliest overgrown baby in the history of cinema.

In the movie, Vin Diesel seeks revenge on drug lord Campos, played by John Ortiz (‘Carlito’s Way,’ ‘American Gangster’), who recruits street racers to run heroin across the Mexican border. Diesel calls this ‘just another Tuesday morning.’ But to tone down the scenario and make it believable he had to ‘sissy-fy’ it, so he got Paul Walker (‘The Fast and the Furious,’ ‘Into the Blue’) to join him.

While co-star Walker couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag, Vin Diesel simply redeemed the movie, bringing back the 1969 Dodge Charger that his character drove in the first movie. True, he crashed it in the first movie, but thanks to Diesel’s powers of testosterone it magically resurrected itself into a 1970 Chevy Chevelle SS for this sequel. After being set on fire however, it resurrects itself again, becoming the same 1969 Dodge Charger featured on the movie posters, which Diesel later crashes into a wall. Diesel emerged unscathed, of course. The wall was a complete write-off.

Vin Diesel filmed much of the action sequences himself, and this is why the action sequences are blurry, choppy and otherwise incomprehensible, let down by blatant CGI.

The movie’s villains felt unfairly treated when asked to face off against Vin Diesel. As a result, the producers agreed to give them far cooler vehicles than the rest of the cast. However, they were still defeated by Vin Diesel’s superior driving and bulging neck muscles.

Fun fact: If you rearrange the letters in ‘Vin Diesel,’ it reveals his credo: ‘I End Lives.’

At the end of the movie, Vin Diesel pops a wheelie in a Camaro right into some guy’s face. This completely redeems an otherwise boring and shitty movie.

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Published on April 8, 2009 at 12:00 pm