Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li’Directed by: Andrzej BartkowiakStarring: Kristen Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Michael Clarke DuncanF

I knew I was in for something truly sadistic when I heard about the movie.

A ‘Street Fighter’ movie? Based on a coin-op button-mashing arcade fighter? Who in Hollywood green-lit this cynical marketing ploy? Who the hell thought they could follow in Jean-Claude Van Damme’s footsteps with his 1994 rendition of the same damn thing?

The blissfully mindless joy of wasting quarters at an arcade couldn’t possibly be adapted to a feature-length film that takes itself too seriously with pseudo-mystical Zen Buddhism spiritualism and dialogue ripped off from countless fortune cookies.

The more I thought about this movie, the more it pissed me off. Writing a serious review for this would be devastatingly futile, akin to detailing the themes of alienation and narrative conflict within an episode of ‘Punk’d.’



Instead, I realized that the only way to bask in the unentertaining mindlessness of this film would be within the warm glow of a drunken stupor. So kids, if you’re following along at home in 3 months when they show this on the FX Network at 2 in the morning, here’s a list of rules for you to follow.

Note: The Daily Orange does not condone alcohol abuse. It also does not condone watching horrible movies such as this.

Take a drink every time Kristin Kreuk (‘Smallville’), as Chun-Li, narrates her back-story with the voice of a nervous 5th grader in a school play adaptation of ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ ‘And then, everything changed,’ she whispers monotonously. ‘Every meal was a gift.’ At least I applaud the filmmakers for creating a movie that’s accessible by the blind.

Take two shots every time Michael Clarke Duncan (‘The Green Mile’) laughs with the sort of creepiness that would send shivers up a child molester’s spine. As Balrog, Bison’s main henchman, he’s clearly sunk to desperate measures in order to earn money, and it shows. At least he gets to blow something up with a rocket launcher.

Take a drink every time mundane actions are highlighted by cheesy and pointless slow-motion camera, like when Chun-Li discovers a mysterious scroll that threatens to unlock her ancient past. Even better, take two drinks if these highly exciting and dramatic moments, such as incomprehensible characters walking into a room, are highlighted by speeding-up the camera instead. How dramatic! It’s like watching a Nickelback video!

Take a long sip every time there’s a flashback. Ah, so THAT’S how Bison became so evil. Ah, Chun-Li was a concert pianist (how stereotypical!). Ah, so that’s why the spider web tattoos are so important. Ah, that’s who shot Mr. Burns.

Drink every time the main villain Bison (Neal McDonough, ‘Minority Report’) does something pointlessly evil, such as kidnapping Chun-Li’s father, forcibly evicting poor people from their homes, or kicking newborn puppies to death.

Take an extra-long sip for every fight scene. Don’t worry about grabbing another beer, however, as they’re few and far between.

You would think that the fight scenes would make up for everything else this film’s miserably failed at – character development, narrative, pacing, and plot, to name just a few staples – but the lackluster choreography is filmed in de rigueur shaky-camera mode that ensures that you not only won’t see anything but you’ll also get a crippling headache.

Disappointingly enough, however, these fights don’t even feature that many classic Street Fighter Characters. Masked ninja Vega (played by Taboo from the Black-Eyed Peas, bizarrely enough) gets his ass handed to him by Chun-Li in about 3 minutes, and Balrog naturally gets his comeuppance, but when the most notable fight in a video-game-based movie is against three random street thugs, the audience is in for a problem.

Drink for as long as Chris Klein (‘American Pie’) is onscreen, which is the only way to tolerate his inadvertently hilarious performance that miserably channels Nicholas Cage, Keanu Reeves and Steven Seagal. You may need to shotgun multiple beers for this, as the second half of the movie becomes ‘Chris Klein’s Action Hero Dreams,’ like a terminally ill boy fulfilling his Make-a-Wish grant by jumping out of an exploding building in slow-motion and shouting a lot.

Take a drink in anger every time you think about how much you want to hurt director Andrzej Bartkowiak, who is also blamed for foisting ‘Doom’ upon a terrified public and giving rapper DMX delusions of acting ability. After this, he should be tried for crimes against humanity.

And lastly, finish your bottle at the end of the movie: you’re made it! Congratulations! However, you’ve also just stumbled across the worst part of the movie (not an easy feat): the promise of an inevitable sequel, a by-the-numbers slogfest that promises to defecate on your childhood memories, only this time with Ryu.

There is no rational reason to see this movie, period. Preserve your budget, preserve your liver, and preserve your sanity by ignoring this horrid tripe, just like the critics (who weren’t afforded a chance to pre-screen this) have.

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